2 


(To  be  used  only  on  The  Foolish  Almanack  2nd 

GOOD  TILL"DOOMSDAY 


With  the  Compliments  of  the  Se 

VT 


SIGNS  OF  THE  ZODIAC  UP-TO-DATE 


...THE... 

FOOLISH    ALMANAK 

For  Anuthur  Year 

THE  FURST   CINC   THE   INTRODUKSHTJN  OV  THE 

MUK-RAKE    IN    MAGAZEEN    GARDNING,    AND 

THE  SPELING  REFORM  OV  OWR  LANGWIJ 

BY  THEODOR  ROSYFELT 

THAIR    hav   bin    uthur    Yearz    but    non    like    this. 
Thingz  wil  Hapn. 

3 1  3  Dayz  wil  kum  and  3 1  3  Dayz  wil  go  and  thair  wil 
be  52  Sundayz  evn  in  the  best  regulayted  Familiz.  Thair 
wil  be  at  leest  wun  23  for  yu  in  eech  munth. 

LIFE   WITHOUT    IT  WIL    BE  UN-SEAZOND 

By  kind  Purmishun  ov  the  Jawn  D.  Rawkyfelurs  the 

Sun  and  Moon  wil  be  purmitted  2  Arize  and 

Shine.     The  Shuberts  wil  regulayte  the 

Starz,  and    the    Planits   wil    du 

the   best   they   kan. 

Hetty  Green  and  J.  Peerpont  Morgun  have  garanteed  the 
Wethur. 

WITH  APOLOGIZ  TO   THE  KARNAGY  SPELING   SKOOL 

PTJRPETRAYTED,   WITH    THE   AID    OV   WALLACE    GOLDSMITH'S 
PICTURZ,   BY 

JOHN  W.  LUCE  AND   COMPANY 

BOSTON                             1906                            LONDON 
2 2» ZZ / & 


Copyright,  1906,  by 
JOHN  W.  LUCE  &  COMPANY 
Boston,  Mass.,  V.  S.  A. 


The  Plimpton   Press  Norwood  Mass.  U.S.A. 


STACK 
ANNEX 


Stack  Annex 


Time  was,  is,  and  will  be.  Alma- 
nacks have  come  and  Almanacks 
have  gone.  But  Time  has  sur- 
vived. Only  the  Foolish  Alma- 
nack has  been  equal  to  the  pleasant 
Task  of  Killing  it 
We  offer  the  Book  as  our  Defense. 

THE  PUBLISHERS. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR  JANUARY: 


DO  not  give  way  to  vain  regrets  be- 
cause you   did  not  keep   the   good 
resolves  you  made  a  year  ago.     It 
might  be  worse.     You  might  have  kept  the 
resolutions  and  have  had  no  incentive  for 
leading  a  better  life  this  year. 


ECLIPSES  FOR  THE  COMING 
YEAR 


If  there  are  as  many  Eclipses  as  during 
1905-6,  it  will  be  a  hard  year  on  grafters 
and  bosses.  The  editor  is  optimistic,  how- 
ever, believing  that  the  sanitary  revolution 
which  swept  the  country  has  about  blown 
over.  Public  confidence  and  laxity  have 
been  restored  in  a  large  measure  and  the 
time  is  now  about  ripe  for  us  to  get  it  in  the 
neck  again. 


DRESS 
HINT: 

The  first 
costume  on 
record  was 
a  hand-me- 
down  from 
the  fig  tree. 


AN  ICE 

AGE: 

Now  is  the 
time  to  cut 
ice.    "Doc." 
Osier  won't 
like  it  if  you 
wait  until 
after  you  are 
40. 


MONDAY  |       Do  not  swear  off  anything.     Wait  'till 
tax  time. 

TUESDAY  I       (1781)    Baron    Munchausen    published 
his  memoirs. 

(1901)  Andrew  Carnegie  started  writ- 
ing his  autobiography. 

I  WEDNESDAY  f 


FRIDAY 


Erroneously  spelled  Thursday.  It  should 
be  spelled  T-h-J-r-s-t-d-a-y  (consult  any  of 
the  reformed  who  have  been  clinging  to 
the  water  wagon  since  Tuesday.) 


(1906)    There  was  no  genius  bom  in 
Indiana  this  day. 


JANUARY 


Reciprocity  is   the   mother 
of  contention. 


UP  IN  MAINE 


A  THIRSTY,  young  sport,  up  in  Me. 
Pretended  to  suffer  great  Pe. 
But  when  he'd  imbibed 
What  the  druggist  prescribed, 
He  said  he  felt  better  Age. 

Note:  We  demanded  a  diagram  for  the 
above  and  the  author  reluctantly  provided  it. 
He  thinks  that  any  one  should  know  that 
Me.  is  the  abbreviation  for  Maine  and  that 
to  make  the  2d  and  last  lines  rhyme  you 
will  readily  read  Pe.  as  abbreviation  for 
pain  and  Age,  as  abbreviation  for  again. 
We  feel  much  better  now  and  we  hope 
you  do,  dear  reader. —  The  Editor. 


Health 
Hint: 

Those  who 
are  always 
having  the 
hives  should 
go  into  the 
bee  business. 


Household 
Advice: 

To  keep  the 
kitchen  fire 
hot,  keep  it 
coaled. 


SUNDAY 


Adam  and  Eve  began  housekeeping,  and 
having  neither  prying  neighbors  nor  trouble- 
some servants  they  named  their  bungalow 
"  Paradise." 


WEDNESDAY 


A  four-flush  only  wins  political  pots. 

—  Poker  Proverbs. 


THURSDAY 


Rosa  Bonheur  bom.  Rosa  painted  ani- 
mals and  all  of  her  competitors  at  the  art 
shows  said  her  work  was  "  beastly." 


JANUARY 


There  are  as  good  fish  in 
the  sea  as  there  are  in  the 
fish  carts. 


FORECAST  FOR  JANUARY 


FROM  January   1st  until  the  7th,  and 
possibly  in  some  cases  until  the  9th  or 
10th,  it  will   be   very  DRY.     This 
drouth  will  be  followed  by  a  long  wet  spell. 
The  Zodiacal  sharp  who  runs  things  during 
January  is  Aquarius,  which  being  translated 
means    "water-wagon."      The    only    folks 
who  never  heard  of  Aquarius  live  in  the 
corn-belt  of  Kentucky. 


From  January  10th  to  the  15th,  the 
weather  will  devote  its  time  to  making  up 
its  mind  what  it  is  going  to  do.  From  the 
15th  to  the  20th  it  will  do  it. 


Dark  clouds  of  remorse  and  despondency 
will  reign  during  the  last  week  in  January, 
but  by  February  1  st  you  will  have  become 
accustomed  and  resigned  to  your  old  habits. 


January  will  also  be  marked  by  "white 
goods  sales,"  and  (if  it's  windy  in  the  shop- 
ping district)  skirt  sails. 


Gardening 
Hint: 

You  cannot 
raise  bread 
fruit  from 
cauliflour. 


Health 
Hint: 

If  your 
blood  is  bad 
blame  it  on 
your 
ancestors. 


SUNDAY 


[WEDNESDAY! 


(1905)  It  was  decided  to  build  a  sea- 
level-lock  canal  in  Panama. 

(2001)  It  was  decided  to  build  a  lock- 
sea-level  canal  instead. 

(3000  A.D.)  At  a  quiet  meeting, 
Daughters  of  the  Revolution  elected  their 
officers  unanimously. 


[THURSDAY       Wear  Blinders!     To    gaze    at   anything 
with  the  naked  eye  is  immodest. 

—  Anthony  Comstock. 


SATURDAY 


JANUARY 


Open  confession  may  be 
good  for  the  soul,  but  it's  bad 
for  the  reputation. 


SEVEN  WONDERS  OF  THE 
WORLD 


WHY  a  pretty  ankle  makes  a  "rub- 
ber-neck." 
Why  a  Kentucky  "Colonel"  is  a 
"good  Judge." 

Why  chorus  girls  and  lobsters  always  go 
together. 

Why  a  Glass-widow  objects  to  a  raking 
over. 

Why  real   pains  from  little   champagnes 
grow. 

Why   there   is    no   "Midway"    on   the 
straight  and  narrow  path. 

How  a  man  can  be  "half-seas-over"  on 
land. 


TALE  OF  A  TANK 


High-ball 
Sad  fall. 

Big  head 
'Nuffsaid. 


Muck-rakes 
will  not  be 
popular  with 
trusts  or 
officialdom, 
but  much 
sought  after 

vy 

uterateurs. 


MONDAY 


TUESDAY 


WEDNESDAY 


THURSDAY 


FRIDAY 


SATURDAY 


(1906)  Great  excitement  in  County 
Cork.  Handy  Skinegie  bit  off  a  piece  of 
the  Blarney  stone  before  delivering  his 
address  on  "  How  I  hate  to  be  rich." 

(1925)  Atlas  seeks  to  retire  from  sup- 
porting the  world.  American-Journal-Ex- 
aminer put  at  his  service. 


(1906)  T.  Roosevelt  began  publishing  a 
series  of  short  stories  in  the  Congressional 
Record. 


JANUARY 


A    punch    in    the    bowl    is 
worth  two  in  the  face. 


FOR  THE  HOME  COMING 

BEFORE  meeting  his  wife  and  family 
at  the   station   a  wise   man   will   put 
his    house    in    order   for    the    home 
coming. 


A  pleasant  way  of  doing  this  is  to  give  a 
house-cleaning  party.  Divide  your  party 
into  the  Sweepers,  the  Dusters,  the  Scrub- 
bers, and  the  Dish  Washers,  giving  each 
group  proper  utensils  and  offering  a  prize  for 
the  best  results. 

<^> 

Let  the  party  begin  at  midnight,  after  a 
pleasant  dinner,  and  at  about  2  in  the  morn- 
ing the  police  will  probably  come  in  and 
finish  cleaning  the  place  up. 


Dairy  Hint: 

Most  dairy- 
men find  a 
separator 
useful,  but  it 
is  not  abso- 
lutely 
necessary. 
To  separate 
milk  most 
effectively, 
keep  away 
from  the 
pump. 


SUNDAY 


MONDAY 


TUESDAY 


WEDNESDAY 


Wm.  Tell  born.  Some  persons  do  not 
believe  the  Wm.  Tell  story.  What  Tell  do 
they  believe? 


Publicity  brings  its  own  reward. 

—  Winston  Churchill  et  al. 


Robinson  Crusoe  born.     Crusoe  was  the 
first  victim  to  get  a  long  term  on  the  Island. 


JANUARY 


A  man's  a  man  for  a'  that- 
there  is  in  it. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR 
FEBRUARY 


IT  wasn't  because  George  Washington  cut 
down  the  cherry  tree  that  he  was  made 
President.     And  very  few  men  get  into 
office    simply   for    telling    the    truth.     We 
hardly   know  how  to    advise   you   on    this 
point.     Why  do  you  wish  to  enter  politics  ? 


To  FIND  OUT  IF  MONEY  Is 
TAINTED 


If  silver  or  gold,  bite  it. 

If  bills,  wash  with  soap  and  water. 

If  a  cheque,  call  up  the  bank. 


Society 
Hint: 

A  little 
gossip  goes 
a  long  way. 


How  to 
Be  Happy: 

Quit  living. 


[MONDAY  |  die°874)  . 

(1  906)  Buttin  twins,  Lawson  and  Roose- 
velt, perfectly  healthy. 

[TUESDAY" 


(1781)    "Battle   of   Cowpens."     British 
WEDNESDAY!  defeated  by  Morgan. 

(1906)   Second    "Battle  of  Cowpens." 
Packers  defeated  by  O'Neil  and  Reynolds. 

I  THURSDAY!" 


FRIDAY  I       About  this  time  expect  some  weather. 


FEBRUARY 


There's  many  a  damn 
'Twixt  the  door  and  the  jamb. 


How  TO  SKATE 


FEBRUARY  is  perhaps  as  good  a 
month  as  any  other  to  leam  to 
skate. 

The  simplest,  and  most  approved  method, 
is  as  follows: 

One  high-ball,  another  high-ball,  1  more 
high-ball,  simply  a  high-ball,  just  one  more 
high-ball,  ditto,  the  same,  and  lastly,  a  high- 
ball. (Note  — After  the  glass  is  full  say, 
"  Not  another  drop.") 

You  will  be  surprised  at  the  ease  with 
which  you  can  skate. 


"  Spreading  the  Eagle "  is  a  very  pretty 
and  artistic  skating  figure.  It  is  done  by 
trying  to  get  from  one  side  of  the  street  to 
the  other  all  in  the  same  night. 


"Looping  the  lamp-post"  is  also  quite  an 
achievement  in  skating.  It  doesn't  make 
any  difference  which  of  the  two  lamp-posts 
you  loop  —  take  your  choice.  It  is  difficult 
to  give  directions  how  to  do  this.  The  feat 
has  to  be  seen  to  be  learned.  There  is  a 
simpler  way  of  doing  it,  however,  and  that 
is  —  stand  perfectly  still  while  the  lamp-post 
passes  around  you. 


Two  persons  skating  together  for  mutual 
assistance  are  known  as  "a  pair  of  skates." 


An  expert  skater  can  skate  just  as  well  in 
July  as  in  February. 


Nocturne: 

Bright 

Light 

Night 

Miss 

Kiss 

Bliss. 

Pa 

Bar 

Scar. 


MONDAY  I       Cherry   trees    and    hatchets    have    been 

I  IwJiL/rM    I  I  *        tii  .   •     ft  | 

supplanted  by     big  sticks     as  decorations  at 
the  White  House. 


WEDNESDAY  I       "  Cut  it  out "  —  Sureeon's  Motto. 


THURSDAY  I       George   Washington   born.      Neighbors 
took  in  their  cherry  trees. 


FEBRUARY 


When  Duty  calls,  send  her 
around  to  the  back  door. 


How  TO  COMPOSE  A  SHORT 
STORY 

"    A    MBITIOUS"  asks  the  compiler  of 
/-\  this  Almanack  to  tell  her  the  easiest 
way  to  compose  a  short  story. 


This  depends  somewhat  on  the  short 
story,  but  a  few  general  observations  may  be 
of  interest.  Some  short  stories  are  more 
excited  than  others. 


Lead  the  short  story  to  a  quiet  place  and 
soothe  it  by  praise  delivered  in  a  gentle, 
monotonous,  but  authoritative  tone  of  voice. 
Be  careful  not  to  criticize,  as  that  will  make 
it  more  and  more  nervous.  When  the  short 
story  shows  signs  of  yielding  to  this  influence, 
smooth  it  gently  with  one  hand  and  pat  it 
on  the  back  with  the  other.  When  quite 
composed,  withdraw  quietly,  still  speaking 
in  a  low  tone. 


A  short  story  by  Mary  Wilkins  can  be 
composed  more  quickly  than  a  short  story 
by  Kipling.  In  the  latter  case  it  may  be 
necessary  to  gently  persuade  the  short  story 
to  take  an  opiate. 


Health 
Hint: 

All  that 
blisters  is  not 
good  for  a 
cold. 


Lucky 
Advice: 

It  is  unlucky 
to  fall  down 
1  3  flights  of 
stairs. 


was  getting  something 
for  nothing.  I  foresee  much  trouble  from 
this  tendency." — Adam's  Journal. 


(1906)   A   bright   day.     W.  J.  Bryan 
congratulates  the  Sun. 


PR  J  DAY  I       (2300     B.C.)     Confusion    invented    by 
Confucius. 


FEBRUARY 

A    woman's     college     is    a 
dangerous  thing. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR  MARCH 


NOW   is    a  good  time   to   think 
about  having  your  last  summer's 
suit  and  hat  cleaned  and  fixed 
up  to  last  another  season.     You  can 
stand  at  the  window  and  look  out  at 
the    snow,   and   think   about  this  to 
your  heart's  content.     This  probably 
will  warm  you  to  such  an  extent  that 
you  will  save  a  bit  on  your  coal  bill. 


How  TO  HANDLE  A  MUCK- 
RAKE 

The  owner  of  a  muck-rake  should 
first  get  a  magazine  to  keep  it  in. 
This  practice  originated  with  Laws 
Tomson,  the  celebrated  Norse  Ber- 
serker. 

Select  your  muck  and  rake  it  dili- 
gently until  you  find  a  large,  fat 
check;  then  leave  that  pile  and  begin 
on  another. 

WEATHER  HINT  — It's  a  nU  wind 
that  doesn't  blow. 


A  Bad 

Signj 

"All  Drinks 
Spot  Cash." 


ALL  WW 


SUNDAY 


MONDAY 


About  now  young  boys  forget  skating 
and  begin  to  think  about  marbles.  "Old 
Boys"  are  still  skating  and  they  are  not 
particular  whether  the  pastime  is  associated 
with  marble  or  mahogany. 


PRESS. AGENT  — One  who  presages 
or  foretells.     See  LYRE. 


( 1 868)  Barnum's  Museum  in  New  York 
SATURDAY  |  destroyed  by  fire.    Parkhurst,  Carrie  Nation, 
Dowie,  and  Anthony  Comstock  saved. 

MARCH 

It  is  said  that  nothing  is 
impossible ;  but  there  are  lots 
of  people  doing  nothing  every 
day. 


ODD  FACTS 


Eve  did  not  use  face  powder. 

<*> 

Methuselah  developed  peculiarities  as  he 
grew  old.  It  is  said  that  he  never  paid  a 
telephone  or  gas  bill. 

GO 

Samson  had  his  whims.     He  never  went 

into  vaudeville. 

<b 

Noah  never  cared  to  take  the  children  to 
see  the  animals  at  the  circus. 

Co 

Goliath  was  another  who  thought  he  had 
one  good  fight  left  in  him. 

<*> 

Christopher  Columbus  did  not  go  on  the 
lecture  platform  to  tell  of  his  travels. 

<o 

Napoleon  always  played  solitaire  before 
going  into  a  battle ;  he  couldn't  run  the  deck 
out,  and  it  made  him  so  angry  he  just  had 
to  lick  somebody. 

GO 

Euclid  invented  geometry  rather  than  de- 
sign dress  patterns  for  his  wife. 

«=5 

Socrates  was  henpecked,  and  was  one  of 
the  greatest  philosophers  in  the  world  —  but 
the  rule  does  not  hold  good  any  longer. 


Weather 
Signj 

A  spoony 
pair  under 
an  umbrella 
is  a  sign  of  £ 
rain  beau. 


To  Cure  a 

Morning 

Headache: 

Be  a  little 
more 

abstemious 
the  night 
before. 


SUNDAY 


#^> 


(1875)  First  train  ran  through  the 
Hoosac  Tunnel.  Hobson  too  young  to  be 
present. 


I  WEDNESDAY  |       (1793)    Washington    D.   C.    named 
honor  of  Washington  deceased. 


THURSDAY 


SATURDAY 


It  was  in  this  month  that  S.  N.  Akes  left 
Ireland.       Located    in    Bellevue    Hospital, 

N.Y. 


MARCH 


When  you  see  a  man  push- 
ing a  baby  carriage,  it  is  a 
sign  that  he  has  trouble 
before  him. 


SPRING,  GENTLE  SPRING 


One  life-size  morning  nearly  six  thousand 
years  ago  Jubal  sat  outside  of  dear  old 
Eden,  whanged  his  harp  and  warbled  the 
following: 

"  Gentle  Spring  has  come  at  last, 
So  keep  your  furnace  fires  full  blast!" 

t  Q, 

It  was  thus  that  Spring  was  invented,  also 
the  first  Spring  poet.  But  why  Spring 
should  appeal  to  humanity  as  a  season  of 
romance,  no  one  who  gives  this  problem 
serious  thought  can  imagine. 
<h 

It  was  in  the  Spring  that  poor  old  Adam 
first  had  to  work,  and  from  that  time  on  we 
have  had  that  tired  feeling  in  the  Spring. 
(See  footnote.) 

63 

It  was  also  in  the  Spring  that  Eve 
wearied  of  her  fig-leaf  toque.  She  stuck  a 
couple  lyre  bird  tails  in  one  side,  three  lotos 
buds  in  the  other,  and  that  settled  it.  Ever 
since  man  has  had  to  hustle  in  the  Spring  to 
get  his  wife  a  new  hat.  (See  footnote.) 
c* 

It  was  in  the  Spring  that  Cain  moved. 
That  became  a  habit  with  humanity  and 
knocked  more  romance  out  of  Spring. 
<*> 

FOOTNOTE— Also  Summer,  Autumn, 
and  Winter. 


Cheese 
Hint: 

Keep 
Limburger 
cheese 
closely  con- 
fined under 
glass  until 
it  ceases  to 
struggle. 

To  Cure 
Home- 
sickness: 

Think  how 
you  would 
have  to  be 
mowing  the 
lawn  or 
tending  the 
furnace  if 
you  were 
there. 


A  stuffed  stork  is  the  best  stork. 

—  Mrs.  Grundy. 


MONDAY 


TUESDAY 


WEDNESDAY 


THURSDAY 


FRIDAY 


SATURDAY 


Do    not    pay   any   bills    to-day.     Your 
creditors  may  die  during  the  night. 


If  there  is  ice  on  the  ground  do  not  try  to 
go  barefoot. 


MARCH 

The  text  which  bids  a  man 
love  his  neighbor  as  himself 
makes  no  mention  of  said 
neighbor's  wife. 


GEOGRAPHICAL  NOTES 


rT"'HE  principal  river  of   Egypt  is 
1     the  Nile.     Its  smaller  tributaries 
are  the  juveniles. 

The  capital  of  Ireland  seems  des- 
tined to  have  the  largest  population  of 
any  city  in  the  world.  It's  D'ublin, 
every  year. 

The  United  States  are  best  for 
married  people. 

Americans  are  noted  for  being 
fond  of  jokes.  Their  country  was 
originally  named  for  A-merry-cus. 
(Vespucchi.) 

When  the  flood  subsided  it  is 
probable  that  Noah  and  his  family 
landed  in  the  vicinity  of  Little  Rock, 
for  we  are  given  to  understand  that 
he  came  forth  from  the  Ark-an'-saw 
land. 

Those  who  say  that  constancy  is 
not  a  feminine  quality  should  note 
how  long  Mrs.  Sippi  and  Miss  Souri 
have  been  running  together  without 
separating. 

THE  MEAN  THING  \ 

Some  mean  old  maid,  without  a  doubt, 

Who'd  never  tasted  bliss, 
Was  first  to  start  that  lie  about 

The  microbes  in  a  kiss. 


Wedding 
Hint: 

The  minister 
ties  the  knot; 
time  and 
lawyers  may 
prove  it^o 
be  a  slip- 
knot 

Health 
Hint: 

To  cure  a 
sluggish 
disposition, 
run  up 
against  a 
real  prize 
fighter. 


MONDAVI       (3544   B.C.).  Public   library  opened   at 
Athens.     No  string. 


TUESDAY  |       (1725)  Order  of  the  Bath  reorganized 
by  George  I.  —  Water,  soap,  towel. 

|  WEDNESDAY  I      (5381  B.C.)  Birth  of  Ananias,  first  spe- 
cial newspaper  correspondent. 

[THURSDAY!       (1670)   Bees  brought  from  England  to 
Boston.     Many  politicians  stung. 


About  this  time  there  will  be  some  more 
weather. 


MARCH 

One   touch   of  liver  makes 
the  whole  world  ill. 


A  TAKE  OFF' 


CLING  to  your  winter  flannels 
Till  well  along  toward  June, 
For  many  a  one  is  taken  off 
By  taking  them  off  too  soon. 


ADVERTISEMENTS 

Academies,  Colleges,  Conservatories,  Reform 
Schools,  Etc. 


BE  A   STREET  PAVER 

THOUSANDS  OF  DOLLARS 

are  made    yearly   in   the   Pa  vine) 
Department    of    your    home    city 

ARE  YOU  GETTING  ANY  OF  IT?? 


We  make  you  an  experienced  street  paver 
by  mail  without  interrupting  present  occupa- 
tion. 

Lesson  VI— "How  to  Graft  under  a  Reform 
Administration,"  alone  worth  entire  cost  of 
course. 

Begin  now  and  be  ready  for  your  next 
City  Election. 


UNITED    STATES    CORRESPONDENCE 
COLLEGE  OF  MUNICIPAL 

OPPORTUNITIES 
P.  O.  Box  232323  Chelsea,  Mass. 


Antiquity  of 
Ready-to- 
Wear 
Clothing: 

Eve's  dress 
was  the  first 
truly  "out- 
of-sight" 
costume, 
"fig"-ura- 
tively 
speaking. 


Poultry 

Note: 

Roosters  are 
rather  hard 
to  manage, 
but  hens  lay 
wherever 
they  are  put. 


SUNDAY 

Was   it   not   about   April    1st   that   the 
MONDAY  |    Laird   of   S1"bo   declared    he   would    give 
away  real  money  instead  of  libraries? 


TUESDAY 


[WEDNESDAY!  Noah  born.  Noah  first  taught  the  race 
how  wise  a  thing  it  is  to  lay  up  something 
for  a  rainy  day.  He  laid  up  an  ark. 

iTHURSDAYf 


FRIDAY  I        (64)     Roman  citizens    conspire   to   fire 
Nero. 


SATURDAY!        (64)     Nero  fires  Rome. 


APRIL 


Umbrellas    cover    a   multi- 
tude of  thieves. 


HINTS  TO  AMATEUR 
GARDENERS 

IN  the  spring  look  after  your  potatoes  care- 
fully. Have  their  eyes  examined  by  a 
good  oculist,  and  provide  spectacles  for 

such  as  need  them. 

<*> 

Never  string  your  beans  till  they  are  old 
enough  to  understand  it.     If  you  begin  too 
early,  they  are  apt  to  lose  their  temper. 
<*> 

Don't  attempt  to  graft  your  pie-plants. 
Many  have  tried  grafting  a  custard  to  a 
mince,  in  the  hope  that  the  brandy  in  the 
latter  would  assimilate  with  the  custard  and 
make  a  Tom  and  Jerry,  but  it  never  works. 
<^ 

Before   planting   your   punkins,  carefully 

remove  the  punk. 

QI 

If  you  have  any  difficulty  harvesting  the 
fruit  of  your  boot-tree,  use  a  boot-jack. 
<^ 

Owing  to  the  well-known  fact  that  the 
mongoose  is  the'  deadly  foe  of  snakes,  it  is 
thought  that  the  best  way  to  exterminate 
them  from  your  garden  is  to  cultivate  the 
mon-gooseberry.  Try  it. 
e*> 

The  mint-julep  does  not  belong  to  the 
tulip  family,  although  the  latter  has  a  strong 
affinity  for  it. 


Gardening 
Note: 

Instead  of 
buying 
expensive 
fertilizer  for 
the  garden, 
use  some  of 
last  year's 
"  popular  " 
magazines. 

April 
derived 
from  the 
Latin 

A  p  e  r  i  o, 
meaning 
I  open, 
hence  Eye- 
opener,  or 
Easter 
opening. 


Andrew   Carnegie   was    stung    by    the 
kissing  bug  in  Atlanta,  Ga. 


u/rn»iren«v  •       Great  commotion  in  the  monkey  cage  at 
WfDNESDAYl  Central    Park.       Brander    Matthews    and 


Handy  Skinegie    overheard    talking    Espe- 


All  is  not  so  that's  said. 

—  White  House  Maxim. 


When  you  see  a  girl  in  a 
very  chic  gown  you  may  be 
sure  her  father  had  to  shell 
out. 


AN  APRIL  PASTEL 


THERE  is  no  better  spring  month 
in  which  to  move  than  April. 
Look  among  your  papers  and  if 
you  don't  find  a  rent  receipt  for 
March  you  will  know  that  it's  your 
move.  Plant  an  elm  tree  on  Arbor 
day  —  it  may  grow  up  to  be  the  tree 
under  which  Gen.  Washington  stopped 
to  rest  when  he  was  pursuing  the 
British  —  who  knows!  The  farmer 
will  do  well  to  apply  fertilizer  to  his 
land  this  month.  There  is  no  better 
fertilizer  on  the  market  than  Limburger 
cheese.  It  costs  considerable,  but  a 
little  of  it  will  inoculate  a  large  area. 


EXTRACT  FROM  AN  OFFICE- 
BOY'S  DAIRY 

8  a.m.     Hired. 

1 1  a.m.  Tired. 

1 2  m.      Fired. 


Spring 
Hints: 

A  little 
spring  in  a 
bed  is  good. 

A  little 
spring  near 
the  house  is 
better. 

A  Me 
spring  in  a 
poem  is  the 
limit. 


The    indictment    is    mightier    than    the 


charity  contribution.     —  Trust  Proverbs. 


(1716)  Public  bank  founded  in  Massa- 
chusetts.    Geological  deposits  refused. 

[THURSDAY!       (1856)   Condensed   milk  first   made   in 
Connecticut.     Price  of  milk-weed  goes  up. 

FRIDAY  I       (1659)    Cromwell   resigned   his   protec- 
torate. 

(1905)Taftgotoff  the  "lid." 


APRIL 

Most  things  are  good  when 
they're  new.  Men  and  vio- 
lins don't  get  good  till  they're 
old. 


GARDEN  AND  FARMING 

HINTS: 

BLACK-EYED  Susan,  Sweet  William, 
and  Johnny-Jump-Up  will  not  grow  in 
a  garden  built  for  two.    Either  William 
or  John  must  be  weeded  out. 

<o 

Silk  hose  are  preferable  to  rubber  when 
raising  Ladies'  Slippers. 

«? 

Trumpet  vines  grow  fast  on  automobiles. 

<b 

Young  ladies  at  summer  resorts  should 
cultivate  Bachelor's  Buttons ;  with  care  they 
may  be  grafted  into  Bridal  Roses. 

<*> 

Many  an  Ox-eyed  Daisy  proves  a  Snap- 
dragon after  picking. 

<*> 

Wild  Oats  sown  in  second  childhood  are 
reaped  by  the  next  generation. 

<0 

Snowballs  and  highballs  both  fade  away 
in  hot  weather. 

&D 

It's  a  deep-rooted  crop  of  weeds  that  the 
muck  rake  won't  loosen. 
<*> 

Very  young  men  give  their  attention  to 
the  cultivation  of  Widow's  Weeds ;  men  of 
an  older  growth  prefer  to  watch  the  Tender 
Buds  bloom. 


Rainy  Day 
Advice : 

To  pick  out 
your  um- 
brella from 
among  a 
number  of 
better  ones: 
take  the  best 
one  —  it's 
yours. 


SUNDAY 


MONDAY 


Harvard  University  founded  —  the  oldest 
institution  of  foot-ball  and  accidental  learning 
in  America. 


(1 895)  Elbert  Hubbard  had  his  hair  cut. 

Wise  Elbert  Hubbard 

Went  to  his  cupboard 
To  get  the  poor  world  a  thought, 

But  when  he  got  there 

The  cupboard  was  bare 
And  so  the  poor  world  got  naught. 


APRIL 

If  you  can  fool  half  the 
people  all  the  time,  that's 
good  enough;  don't  be  a  hog. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR  APRIL 

HAVE  you  ever  thought  how 
much  money  you  waste  in  pay- 
ing rent?  Now  that  you  are 
about  to  sign  a  new  lease,  it  is  time 
to  ponder  this  subject.  Say  you  pay 
$50  a  month  rent.  That  is  $600  a 
year.  Think!  If  you  should  pay  rent 
for  two  thousand  years  you  would 
waste  as  much  money  as  Pierpont 
Muchgain  makes  on  a  little  deal  in 
railroads  of  a  dull  afternoon. 


KEEPING  LENT 


Jones  borrowed  my  umbrella. 
I  now  know  what  he  meant 
When  he  said  it  was  his  custom 
To  religiously  keep  lent. 


Health 


Hint: 

For  that 
tired  feeling 
take  a  good 
doze  of 
sleep. 

To  Make 
the  World 
Brighter: 

Use  hope 
and  soap. 


SUNDAY 


It's  not  the  loss  of  life  makes  death  bitter, 
it's  the  obituaries.  —  D.  Ceest. 


WEDNESDAY 


THURSDAY 


(1901  -'02-03 ->04 -05 -06,  etc.)  A 
large  section  of  the  coal  miners  of  Pennsyl- 
vania struck  because  the  operators  used  non- 
union-made tooth  powder. 


[SATURDAY!       (1906)    Kentucky  went   prohibition   by 
a  tremendous  minority. 


APRIL 


The  wind  may  be  tempered 
to  the  shorn  lamb,  but  the 
wolf  gets  equal  benefit,  just 
the  same. 


FORECAST  FOR  MAY 

FROM  the  1st  to  the  10th  spring 
house-cleaning    will    take   place. 
Look  out  for  soft  soap  on  the 
stairs.     Meals  will  be  served  to  gen- 
tlemen down  town.     There  is  no  place 
like  home  during  spring  house-cleaning 
—  this  is  why  home  is  so  generally 
avoided  during  that  period. 

<*> 

From  the  10th  to  the  20th  buds 
will  burst  with  deafening  reports  and 
the  grass  will  do  some  fancy  shooting. 

*> 

From  the  latter  date  to  the  end  of 
the  month  people  will  discard  their 
woolens  for  pneumonia. 

<^ 

The  zodiacal  sign  for  May  is 
Gemini,  or  twins.  If  you  see  a  stork 
skulking  about  your  residence,  shoot 
it.  May  is  an  open  month  on  storks. 


Gardening 
Note: 


If  you  sow 
wild  oats 
you  are 
likely  to  reap 
a  crop  of 
"tares." 

To  Break 
a  Will- 

See  a 
lawyer. 

To  Break 
a  Bill  — 

See  a 
doctor. 

To  Break 

a  Till- 

See  a 
burglar. 


(1906)  Congress  decided,  after  a  long 
and  heated  discussion,  that  only  filtered 
water  should  be  used  in  the  Panama  Canal. 


(1906)  Ruth  St.  Denis,  bare  of  waist 
and  limbs,  wins  approval  of  Boston  society 
by  outdoing  Little  Egypt. 

I  THURSDAY  I  ('906,  next  day)  Pure-minded  society 
people  of  Boston  refuse  to  admit  Maxim 
Gorky  and  his  near-wife. 


"You  can  fool  all  of  the  people  some  of 
the  time  and  some  of  the  people  all  of  the 
time."  —  From  the  Diary  of  &ru  Carnage. 

MAY 


Many  of  Cupid's  matches 
are  scratched  in  the  divorce 
court. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR  MAY 

THE  careful  wife  and  mother  will 
find  a   most  excellent  plan   for 
utilizing  a  spring  bonnet  of  the 
vintage  of    1906  will  be  to  tell  her 
husband    that    she   will   make  it  do 
another  season.     Then  manage  to  be 
out  in  the  rain  with  it  on,  and  with  no 
umbrella.     Further  instruction  is  un- 
necessary. 


TIMELY  HINTS 


A  great  many  cows  come  in  fresh 
in  May.  If  you  have  a  good  calf, 
wear  open-work  hose  and  don't  be 
ashamed  to  show  it  on  a  rainy  day. 
Plant  beans,  pumpkins,  and  squashes 
about  May  20th,  but  don't  mix  the 
seed.  This  is  also  a  good  month  to 
set  hens  on  door-knobs,  and  old  ink- 
bottles,  thus  playing  a  great  joke  on 
the  hens. 


Street  Car 
Hint: 

If  a  person 
walks  on 
your  right 
foot  kick  a 
person 
with  your 
left. 

LEGER- 
DEMAIN 
Note: 

To  make  a 

five-dollar 

note  look 

like 

30  cents, 

blow  it. 


SUNDAY 


MONDAY  |  (33  B.C.)  Antony  establishes  a  divorce 
colony  in  Egypt. 

TUESDAY!  0906)  U.  S.  Senators  played  a  farce 
entitled  "Who's  a  Liar,"  by  Pitchrake 
Tillman,  to  crowded  houses. 


THURSDAY 


FRIDAY 


(996)  Clocks,  giving  good  time,  invented 
by  Gebert,  Benedictine  monk. 

(Same  year)  Benedictine,  giving  good 
time,  invented  by  same  monks. 


MAY 


Where  ignorance  is  bliss  it 
is  blister  to  be  wise. 


How  TO  GET  RICH 

GETTING   rich  is  a  simple  matter  if 
one  goes  about  it  right.     If  you  will 
deposit  one  penny  in  the  bank  on  the 

Society 
Hint: 

first   day  of  the  month   and   double   each 

Even  if  you 

deposit  each  day  thereafter,  until  the  end  of 
the  month  (30  days),  you  will  find  yourself 

can't  get 
into  "Who's 

rich  beyond  the  dreams  of  avarice.   Thus  :  — 

who  in 

DAYS    OF 

America," 

DEPOSIT 

MONTH 

you  can  get 

ni 

into  the 

.Ul 
.02 

2 

Telephone 

.04 

3 

Book,  and  it 

.08 

4 

costs  lots 

.16 
.32 

5 
6 

more. 

.64 

7 

1.28 

8 

2.56 

9 

5.12 

10 

10.24 

11 

20.48 

12 

40.96 

13 

81.92 

14 

163.84 

15 

327.68 

16 

655.36 

17 

1,310.72 

18, 

2,621.44 

19 

5,242.88 

20 

10,485.76 

21 

20,971.52 

22 

41,943.04 

23 

83,886.08 

24 

167,772.16 

25 

335,544.32 

2G 

671,088.64 

27 

1,342,177.28 

28 

2,684,354.56 

29 

5,368,709.12 

30 

Total,  $10,737,418.23 

The  reason  more  people  do  not  succeed 

in  this  Get-Rich-Quick  scheme  is  that  they 

become  discouraged  when  they  get  about 

75  cents  in  bank  and  give  it  up. 

(1867)  Russia  thought  she  was  selling 
United  States  a  gold  brick  in  Alaska. 

(1894)  Gold  brick  proved  24  carat; 
Russia  heartbroken. 


( 1  796)  Napoleon  weds  Josephine,  hoping 
his  troubles  will  be  little  ones. 

(1809)  Napoleon  divorces  Josephine. 
Great  trouble  being  his  troubles  were  not 
THURSDAY  little  ones. 


FRIDAY 


SATURDAY 


(1887)  Congress  passed  the  anti-polyg- 
amy bill.     Great  anxiety  at  Newport. 


MAY 


Beauty  may  be  only  skin 
deep,  but  the  average  ob- 
server does  not  see  below 
the  skin. 


MATERIA  MEDICA 


When  Willie  was  young  he  cried  for 
Mayoria. 

When  Willie  grew  older  he  sought 
Govemoria. 

When  Willie  woke  up  he'd  lost  his 
donoria. 

Now  Willie  is  dead:  they  gave  him 
Castoria. 


CAN  YOU   DRAW  THIS? 

IF  SO,  YOU  CAN  DRAW  ANYTHING 
MICHAEL    ANGELO    and     C.   D.   GIBSON 

make  large  sums  of  money  drawing  pictures 

WHY  NOT  YOU? 

We  teach  Drawing  by  mail  and  will  make 
you    a    Great    Artist    in    six    easy    lessons 


A  Feat  in 
Contortion ; 

To  make 
both  ends 
meet  on  $8 
per  week. 

Farm  Hint: 

Make  the 
sled  runners 
of  slippery 
elm. 


Imperial  Correspondence  Institute 
of  the  Fine  Arts 


P.  O.  Box  232323 


CHELSEA,  MASS. 


(1305)    Dante's    "Inferno"    first    noted 
MONDAY|  description  of  hell 

(1906)     Upton     Sinclair's    "Jungle"    a 
close  second. 


(1540)  Gomera  planned  Panama  Canal. 

(1640)  The  Dutch  took  it  up  —  then 
laid  it  down. 

(1879)  DeLesseps  tries  it,  but  gets 
|  THURSDAY  |  snarled  up  in  the  Muck  Rake. 

(1906)  Work  progressing  as  rapidly  as 
hot  air  will  allow. 


MAY 


There's  many  a  slip  'twixt 
the  stock  and  the  tip. 


FORECAST  FOR  JUNE 


FROM  the  1  st  to  the  last  will  be  marked 
by  mosquito  showers.  From  the  I  1  th 
to  the  18th  weddings  will  exceed 
divorces,  followed  by  thunder  and  lightning. 
From  June  18th  to  June  30th  ice-cream 
sodas  will  be  in  the  ascendancy.  On  June 
21st  the  sun  reaches  the  most  northerly 
point  in  the  Zodiac  and  enters  the  constella- 
tion of  Cancer.  Cancer  is  the  sign  for  June. 
Cancer  is  an  old  sign  and  something  that 
ought  to  be  cut  out. 


SIDELIGHTS  ON  SCIENCE 


If  all  the  oceans  should  evaporate  they 

would  leave  a  deposit  of  235  feet  of  salt. 

This,  it   is    estimated,   would    salt   enough 

pretzels  to  supply  the  world  for  several  years. 

^ 

It  is  claimed  that  if  the  power  concealed 
in  the  sting  of  a  hornet  could  be  harnessed 
and  utilized  in  commercial  channels,  it  would 
lower  the  cost  of  transportation  by  a  good 
many  per  cent. 

&> 

An  interesting  experiment  for  little  boys 
is  to  go  into  the  dimly  lit  parlor  where  the 
big  sister  and  her  young  man  are  sitting. 
Do  not  shuffle  the  feet  or  make  any  noise, 
and  you  will  see  a  spark. 
c*> 

A  hen  will  lay  200  eggs  a  year.  A 
mosquito  will  lay  200,000,000  in  one 
short  summer.  Are  you  gladder  that  hens 
are  not  mosquitoes,  or  that  mosquitoes  are 
not  as  big  as  hens? 


Hotel  Hint: 

No  first  class 
inn  will 
permit  guests 
to  indulge  in 
such 

undignified 
gymnastics 
as  running 
through  the 
corridors,  or 
jumping 
board  bills. 

Seasonable 
Advice: 

Look  out  for 
the  open 
work  lawn 
hose  and 
accompany- 
ing shower 
baths. 


[SMQAY  |  (1906)  Czar  gives  three  minutes  of  his 
time  in  a  talk  to  put  the  Douma  down  and 
out. 

I  I       Douma  gives  all  its  time  to  blow  Czar  up 

I  MONDAY  I  and  out. 


TUESDAY 


FEU  DAY 


May  7  —  Cannon's  boom  set  off  by 
speech  from  Uncle  Joe — Presidential  Bee 
taking  terrible  risk  at  Cannon's  mouth. 


two  wron§s 


not 


how  many  franchises  make  a  wrong  ? 


JUNE 


The  man  who  is  down  is 
looking  for  the  other  fellow 
who  kicked  out  some  rungs 
from  the  ladder  of  success. 


LITTLE  STUDIES  IN  NATURAL 
HISTORY 

The  Secretary-bird,  or  Loebriole. 

This  little  creature  belongs  to  the  "  Know- 
itall"  class  and  has  no  fear,  often  perching 
on  the  "Big  Stick"  itself.  His  distinguishing 
characteristic  is  a  thick  oak  board  where 
most  birds  wear  tail-feathers.  He  only  sings 
when  there  is  a  storm  coming,  and  then  his 
song  has  a  plaintive  note  as  he  warbles 
"  Ki-yi,  blame  it  on  me." 

How  to  Make  Credit  Grow. 

Select  a  choice  "bluff."  Prepare  this 
carefully,  for  the  size  of  the  credit  depends 
entirely  upon  the  general  appearance  of  the 
bluff.  When  you  think  the  bluff  is  strong 
enough,  take  it  to  a  bank.  If  it  goes  there, 
you  will  have  no  further  trouble.  Your 
credit  is  now  ready  to  transplant.  Should 
it  begin  to  droop,  give  it  a  check.  Be 
careful  not  to  use  too  many,  for  the  proper 
use  of  the  credit-plant  is  to  enable  its  owner 
to  live  without  money. 


Fashion 
Note: 

It  is  no 
longer  good 
form  to 
serenade 
young  ladies. 
If  you  wish 
to  win  their 
favor,  toot 
an  automo- 
bile horn. 

Health 
Hint: 

For  "  Seeing 
things"  at 
night  try  a 
Welsh 
Rarebit. 


SUNDAY 


MONDAY 


(1905)  Russo-Jap  peace  treaty  at  Ports- 
mouth, N.  H. — Japanese  description  of 
Portsmouth,  "  A  mos'  honorable  plaze  where 
they  dispenz  mos'  dizhonorable  liquor!" 


(2000  B.C.)  Proverbs  invented  by  Solo- 
mon, who  gazed  upon  his  wives  and 
exclaimed,  "Variety  is  the  spice  of  life!" 

P.  S. — Adam  couldn't  say  this  because 
he  was  handicapped. 


(1258)  "  Mad  Parliament"  meets. 
(1906)  Congress  "mad,"  still  in  session. 


If  a  man  tells  you  that  he  "had  darned 
hard  work  getting  out  of  bed  this  morning," 
the  chances  are  that  the  bed  was  a  folding 
one. 


JUNE 


Woman's   love   is  chaotic; 
man's  idiotic. 


DECKLE-EDGE  FRECKLES 

SUMMER  begins  June  20.  By 
this  time  your  freckles  ought  to 
have  a  good  start. 

<*> 

Do  you  know  what  a  freckle  is, 
children?  It  is  a  golden-brown  splash 
on  the  northwest  corner  of  a  young 
woman's  nose,  although  her  dearest 
friend  says  it  is  a  fright. 


A  freckle  is  the  same  to  a  drug- 
gist as  a  pipe  line  is  to  Rockefeller — 
ready  money  and  a  lot  of  it. 

£3 

One  large  deckle-edge  freckle  will 
cause  a  girl  to  buy  nine  kinds  of  cold 
cream,  a  dozen  lemons,  a  pint  of  three- 
ply  acid,  and  a  gross  of  poudre-de- 
phiz  every  Saturday  afternoon. 

c*> 

All  this  gives  vigor  to  the  freckle. ' 


Incendiary 
Warning: 

To  save 
money  from 
fire,— 
don't  burn 
it. 

Etiquette 
Query. 

Is  the  game 
worth  the 
scandal  ? 


MONDAY  |       About  a  year  ago  the  Ground  'og  cast  a 
shadow  in  Packingtown. 
What's  the  answer? 


(1904)  It  was  reported  that  Cassie 
Chadwick  and  'Lijah  Dowie  had  formed  a 
Confidence  Trust,  whereupon  Madam 
Bartrand  prayed  the  Interstate  Commerce 
Commission  to  issue  an  injunction  against 
them  under  the  plea  of  restraint  of  trade. 
The  injunction  was  issued,  and  withdrawn 
later  when  the  Supreme  Court  decided  that 
confidence  was  too  universal  to  be  made 
the  basis  of  a  monopoly. 


JUNE 


The  poet  associates  his 
larks  -with  high  heaven ;  the 
realist  associates  his  larks 
with  high-balls. 


RAISING  CORN 


GREAT   care  should  be  exer- 
cised in  raising  com,  especially 
the  variety  JotltlUS  Barley- 
cornicus.      This    may    be    raised 
with  either  hand.     Some  superstitious 
agriculturists   believe    in    the  efficacy 
of  a  simple  incantation  to  be  used  in 
the   act  of  raising  this  variety,  such 
as   "Here's    how!"   "Over    the   hot 
sands!"  etc. 


Pest  Note: 

If  troubled 
with  June- 
bugs  try 
sweeping  the 
cobwebs  out 
of  the  attic; 
if  troubled 
with  aunts 
close  up  the 
house  and 
go  to  the 
country. 


This  kind  has  never  been  known 
to  fail  in  getting  to  a  head.  "  Kernels" 
of  Barleycorn  originated  in  Kentucky. 


(390  B.C.)  Rome  saved  by  the  cackling 


(1905)  Reputations  ruined  by  the  cack- 
ling of  Alexander  and  Hyde. 


I  WEDNESDAY  I  (1906)  T.  Roosevelt  decided  to  write 
no  more  magazine  articles,  except  for  the 
Congressional  Record. 


(1 876)  Alexander  Graham  Bell  invented 
FRIDAY  I  the  telephone. 

(1877)  American    Humorists    invented 
the  telephone  girl. 


JUNE 


Many  a  woman  prefers  a 
love  of  a  hat  to  the  love  of  a 
husband. 


How  TO  PLANT  A  BEER 
GARDEN 

NOW  is  the  time  for  the  ruddy  faced 
beer   gardener   to  lay  out   his    beer 
garden.    First  procure  a  license  and  a 
few   nice   rustic   chairs   and   tables.     Next 
extract  the  seeds  from  a  couple  of  seedy  old 
suits  and  get  your  wife  to  sew  them.     Your 
barber  will  gladly  supply  you  with  cuttings, 
or,  if  you  have  the  chance,  unscrew  a  dozen 
or  so  bulbs  from  some  healthy  young  electric 
light  plant. 

With  ordinary  summer  weather  you 
should  soon  have  a  blooming  fine  lot  of 
Anheuser  bushes.  As  soon  as  the  "buds" 
begin  to  pop,  pack  the  roots  with  ice. 
Care  should  be  taken  to  keep  the  plants 
from  drying  out. 

5=3 

Bottle  flies,  while  annoying,  do  no  real 
injury  to  the  plant,  and  a  judicious  use  of 
fly-paper  will  hold  them  in  check. 


In  weeding,  the  beer  gardener  should  be 
careful  to  distinguish  between  true  widow's 
weeds  and  grass  widow's  weeds.  The 
latter  not  only  add  color  and  beauty  to  the 
garden,  but  also  give  life  to  the  plant. 


Beer  was  never  worn  so  much  or  used  so 
extensively  for  interior  decoration  as  it  is  to- 
day. There  is  a  ready  market  for  it  at  five 
cents  a  small  bunch,  and  with  intelligent 
grafting  the  bearing  of  the  plant  can  be 
increased  tenfold. 


(858  B.C.)  Sardanapulus  dies  on  a  bier 
400    feet   high.     Great    envy    among   the 


July  4th  is  a  great  day  for  those  who 
love  to  tell  us  that  "all  men  are  created  free 
and  equal;"  it  is  also  a  great  day  for  other 
Fourth  of  Juliars. 


M  (1839)  John  D.  Rockefeller  born. 
"First  in  the  wells,  first  in  the  pipes,  first  in 
the  lamps  of  his  countrymen." 


JULY 


Never  look  a   gift  mule  in 
the  hind  leg. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR  JULY 


THE  best    authorities    agree    that  it  is 
inadvisable  to  attach  a  pack  of  lighted 
firecrackers  to  the  tail  of  the  house- 
hold cat  —  without  first  making  sure  that  the 
insurance   policy    on    the    house    has   been 
placed  in  a  cold  storage  vault.     A  cat  loves 
its  favorite  comer  when  it  is  mentally  dis- 
quieted. 


AD  VERTISEMENTS 


ARTISTS    MATERIALS,  PAINTS,  BRUSHES,  ETC. 


I  GILD  MY  OWN  BRICKS 


LITTLE   GEM   BRICK 
GILDING  OUTFIT 

IS  A  BOON  TO  FARMERS 


Buy  the  Outfit  and  be  your 
own  Confidence  Man,  thus 
enjoying  all  the  pleasures 
of  being  buncoed  without 
leaving  The  Old  Home  o-  o- 


Carving 
Note: 

A  chicken 
neck  served 
to  a  guest  is 
"the  most 
unkindest 
cut  of  all." 


SUNDAY  I       (1906)    Lucrezia    Borgia  rose  to   assert 
that  she  never  used  embalmed  beef  at  her 


MONDAY 


TUESDAY 


banquets. 


(1586  B.C.)  Nebuchadnezzar  saw  the 
handwriting  on  the  wall. 

(1906)  John  D.  Rockefeller  sailed  for 
Europe. 


(1905)  New  song  published  by  Cassie 
Chadwick,  "I've  worked  every  one  but 
father." 


Boy,  gun, 
Joy,  fun. 
Gun  bust. 
Boy  dust. 


JULY 


Friendship  is  between  men 
a  convenience;  between 
women,  a  commodity. 


HINTS  ON  DRESS 


Parasols  should  be  carried  on  Sun-day. 

<*> 

Persons    attending    services    in     poorly 
heated  churches  are  justified  in  making  a 
cloak  of  their  religion. 
63 

Eton  jackets  may  be  worn  at  the  dinner 
table. 

69 

Silks  with  watered  effects  are  popular 
with  milkmen's  wives. 

<* 

The  smart  set  is  devoting  a  good  deal  of 
attention  of  late  to  the  costuming  of  house 
dogs.  Embroidered  blankets  during  the 
winter  and  short  pants  during  the  hot 
summer  weather  are  quite  popular. 
<b 

Shrinkable  dress-patterns  should  always 
be  sponged  before  they  are  made  up,  but 
the  custom  of  putting  an  overcoat  in  "soak" 
after  it  has  been  worn  awhile  is  still 
followed  by  gentlemen  who  are  financially 
embarrassed. 


Advice  to 
Wives: 

It  is  better 
to  let  your 
husband 
bring  a 
friend  home 
to  dinner 
than  it  is  to 
have  a 
friend  bring 
him  home 
after  dinner. 


SUNDAY 


MONDAY 


(1896)  Abas  Dreyfus! 
( 1906)  Vive  le  Dreyfus! 


I  TUESDAY  I  ( 1 840)  First  Cunarder  arrives  in  Boston. 
P.  S.  —  Do  not  confound  with  canard,  which 
arrived  with  Boston  to  remain  always. 

I  WEDNESDAY f 


HONOR  TO  WHOM,  ETC. 

We're  all  of  us  selfishly  slow  to  confess 

How  much  others  aid  us  in  winning 
success; 

But  the  Fourth  of  July  and  the  Oyster 
must  see 

How  stupid,  without  any  Crackers,  they'd 
be. 


JULY 


Many  a    Glad    Hand   turns 
out  to  be  The  Hook. 


SIGNS  OF  THE  ZODIAC 

(Recent  Interpretations) 

AQUARIUS,  the  waterman,  indicating 
what  many  a  man  becomes  on  the  first  of 
January. 

<^> 

PISCES,  the  fishes,  indicating  that  by 
February  he  begins  to  be  just  as  thirsty. 

<h 

ARIES,  the  ram,  indicating  that  in 
March  he  begins  to  meditate  on  the  virtues 
of  bock  beer. 

<*> 

TAURUS,  the  bull,  indicating  that  by 
April  his  disposition  is  surly  and  it's  a  toss- 
up  whether  he  really  remains  a  waterman. 
<*> 

GEMINI,  the  twins,  indicating  the  result 
of  the  toss-up  and  how  he  feels  toward  his 
fellowman  in  May. 

<*> 

CANCER,  the  crab,  indicating  the  back- 
ward interest  with  which  he  listens  to  his 
wife's  plans  for  the  summer. 


(Continued  on  next  left-hand  page.) 


Health 
Hint: 

For  a  turned 
ankle — a 
nicely  turned 
feminine 
ankle  —  a 
low  shoe,  a 
short  skirt, 
and  a  drop- 
stitch 

stocking  are 
recommend- 
ed. 


SUNDAY 

(1851)  Vigilance  Committee  organized 
(MONDAY  |  in  San  Francisco. 

( 1 906)  Order  of  Muck-rakers  established 
in  Washington. 


(1525  B.C.)  Pharaoh's  daughter  finds 
Moses  in  the  Bull-rushes. 

(1906  A.D.)  Roosevelt  finds  a  "joker" 
in  the  meat  bill. 

INFINITUDE! 

Man  looks  at  the  stars  and  with  wonder 
unspeakable 

He  thinks  on  their  source  which  he 
knows  is  unseekable: 

He  asks  who  designed  all  the  planets  so 
beautiful, 

But  no  one  has  ever  unscrewed  the 
unscrutable. 


JULY 


An  earthquake  is  not  what 
it  is  cracked  up  to  be. 


SIGNS  OF  THE  ZODIAC 

(Continued) 

LEO,  the  Lion,  indicating  the  state  of 
mind  with  which  in  July  he  agrees  with 

them. 

GO 

VIRGO,  the  Virgin,  indicating  that  in 
August  he  usually  hears  of  his  daughter's 
engagement. 

C, 

LIBRA,  the  scales,  indicating  that  in 
September  various  interested  persons  weight 
his  family's  summer  enjoyments  and  send 
him  the  bills. 

&3 

SCORPIO,  the  scorpion,  indicating  the 
state  of  mind  with  which  he  pays  them  in 
October. 

GO 

SAGITTARIUS,  the  archer,  indicating 
some  fine  shooting  on  the  part  of  his  con- 
science toward  the  end  of  November, 
to 

CAPRICORNUS,  the  goat,  indicating 
what  he  feels  like  as  he  decides  that  next 
year  shall  be  different. 


A  Milk 
Pointer: 

Milkmen, 
too,  have 
their 
troubles. 
If  they  do 
not  water 
their  cows, 
or  if  they  do 
water  their 
milk,  some- 
body has 
the  law  on 
them. 


(1852)  Crystal  palace  opened  at  New 

I  MONDAY  I  York. 

Next   week  —  New   York    people    dis- 
cover they  cannot  live  in  glass  houses. 

I  TUESDAY" 


(1 84 1 )  London  Punch  first  issued. 
Same  week  —  Great 
over  London. 


THURSDAY 


FRIDAY  |       (1906)  Secretary  Taft  visits  Greenville, 
S.  C.,  and  opens  campaign. 

Same  date  —  Democrats  of  "Solid  South" 
gaze  at  Taft  in  dismay  and  exclaim,  "We 
are  lost,  we  had  no  idea  the  Republican 
party  was  so  large!" 


JULY 


Matches  are  made  in 
heaven  —  they  don't  need  'em 
in  the  other  place. 


Report  to  the  Secretary  of  War  on 

the  Russo-Japanese  War  by 

Gen.  Buzruz,  U.  S.  A. 


T 


HE  war  was  contrary  to  all  rules  of 
warfare  adopted  by  civilized  nations 
because: 

1 .  It  was  not  started  by  a  newspaper. 

2.  The  scene  of  operations  was  not  laid 
near  a  fashionable  resort. 

3.  Photographers    and    correspondents 
were   not   allowed  to  inspect   the   officers' 
wardrobes. 

4.  There  was  no  San  Juan  Hill. 

5.  The  officers  gave  no  afternoon  teas, 
dinners,  or  balls. 

6.  The  officers  looked  after  their  com- 
mands instead  of  writing  magazine  articles. 

7.  The  soldiers  were  fed  real  food. 

8.  Thousands  upon  thousands  of  soldiers 
were  killed. 

9.  The  ships  sunk  in  the  naval  battle 
were  sunk  in  deep  water. 

10.  No  great  scandal  arose  from   the 
purchase  of  food,  clothing,  or  ammunition. 

1  I.  No  newspaper  or  magazine  con- 
troversy has  been  started  over  who  won  the 
battles. 


Political 
Note: 

Politicians 
are  bought, 
not  made. 

Health 
Hint: 

Persons  too 
serious  to 
take  a  joke 
should  take 
a  vacation. 


SUNDAY 

••MMMBM 

I  MONDAY  |     (1 886)  Dumb  piano  invented  by  VirgiL 

Rejoicing  in  Harlem. 

I  TUESDAY I 

1  WEDNESDAY! 


I  THURSDAY  I  (1547)  Silk  stockings  first  worn  by 
Henry  II  of  France.  Rainy  days  become 
popular. 

FRIDAY  I       Tne  woman  who  wears  a  short  bathing 
skirt  is  not  necessarily  immodest.     She  may 
be  the  wife  of  a  popular  magazine  editor 
,.  and    cultivate    exposure    because    she    has 

SATURDAY!  caught  the  habit. 

—  Supton  Eclair. 

AUGUST 

No  successful  business 
man  ever  spends  his  own 
money. 


USEFUL  FARM  HINTS 


TAKE  good  care  of  the  farm  tools.     A 
crow-bar,   if    carefully  housed  when 
not  in  use,  may,  at  a  hundred  years  of 
age  be  just  as  pry  as  ever. 


The  man  who  sells  six  onions  for  a  nickel 

cannot  thrive, 
For  all  can  see  that  no  one  ought  to  give 

six  scents  for  five. 


In  delivering  a  chair  to  the  repairman  to 
bottom  he  should  be  made  to  give  a  re-seat 
for  it 

&5 

Feed  the  pigs  well.  A  pig  resembles  a 
tree  in  one  respect  It  is  by  his  root  that  he 


Farmers  should  encourage  song  birds  to 
nest  about  the  premises,  but  the  lay  of  the 
hen  must  still  bring  them  the  most  substantial 
delight. 

GO 

It  is  when  the  farmer  sees  his  fine  crop 
maturing  that  he  feels  like  singing,  "  In  this 
wheat  by  and  by." 

<*> 

In  working  about  a  mule  that  kicks,  it 
should  be  remembered  that  his  head-quar- 
ters are  not  his  real  business  end. 


Advice  on 
Care  of 
Your 
Rubber 
Plant: 

A  Turkish 
Bath 
Factory 
needs  con- 
stant 

attention  to 
make  it  pay. 


(1906)  Boston  Convention  of  Flies  pass 
vote  of  thanks  to  John  B.  Moran  for 
removing  screens  from  hotel  windows. 


I  WEDNESDAY  I       "The  greatest  blessing  of  all  is  that  I  am 
1  no  longer  kept   awake   nights   by  persons 
who  are  making  modern  improvements." 

—  Robinson  Crusoe. 


(1066)    William     prepares    to    invade 
England  with  696  ships  and  60,000  men. 
( 1 906)  Alice  prepares  to  invade  England 


SATURDAY 

wim  o^o  trunKs  ana  I  man. 

j  /*    \ 

AUGUST 

A  woman  wears  a  veil  for 
the  same  reason  that  distance 
lends  enchantment. 


HELPFUL  HINTS  FOR  AUGUST 

A  CABBAGE  leaf  in  the  hat 
is  an  excellent  means  of  keep- 
ing the  head  cool.  The 
experiment  is  more  successful  if  on 
top  of  the  cabbage  leaf  you  will  place 
about  two  handfuls  of  chipped  ice, 
renewing  it  as  fast  as  it  melts,  and 
you  might  try  sipping  something  from 
a  high  glass  decorated  with  mint 
leaves  —  sipping  it  through  a  straw  is 
favored  by  many  eminent  practitioners 
at  the  bar. 


A  BREAD  AND  MILK  Cow 

The  farmer  with  a  Jersey  cow 
Can  live  as  fine  as  silk 

For  he  has  got,  you  must  allow, 
His  thorough-bred  and  milk. 


A  Hint  on 
Luck: 

A  Lucky- 
piece  is  a 
good 
mascot ; 
a  piece  of 
luck  is  the 
real  thing. 

Fashion 
Hint: 

With  peek- 
a-boo  waist 
and  short 
sleeves,  a 
woman  must 
wear  her 
heart  in  her 
hand-bag. 


"dog 


uA».nnvl         (449)       "Robbers' 
MONDAY  |  Ephesus. 

( 1 908)  Extra  session  of  Congress  held  at 
Washington. 


WEDNESDAY  I       Do  not  take  this  day  off.     It 
day"  and  he  may  want  it. 


(697)    The   Venetians    elect   their   first 

FRIDAY  I  doge. 

(1906)  The  beef  packers  try  their  last 
dodge. 


AUGUST 

A  girl  in  a  hammock  is 
worth  two  in  a  corps  de 
ballet. 


APPROPRIATE  SALUTATIONS 

To  the  fireman :  Go  to  blazes! 
^ 

To  the  butcher:  May  you  never 
make  a  miss-steak  in  your  endeavor  to 
make  both  ends  meat! 


To  the  baker:  May  you  always 
have  the  dough,  not  too  much  crust, 
and  the  means  to  loaf  whenever  you 
wish  to! 

<0 

To  the  spinster:  May  you 
ever  be  the  matchless  but  not  the 
mateless  woman  you  are  now! 

«9 

To    the    young   physician: 
May  you  wait,   like    Patience  on  a 
monument,  till  finally  you  shall  have 
lots  of  monuments  on  your  patients! 
«9 

To  the  seamstress:  May  life 
always  seam  sew-sew  in  your  hemmy- 
sphere! 

Co 

To  the  dentist:  May  you 
always  enjoy  a  pull  and  be  able  to 
fill  many  an  aching  void  and  long-felt 

want! 

&s 

To  the  poet:  May  you  have 
many  more  verses  than  reverses. 


I  WEDNESDAY  |      (6,99,950  B.C.)  Eve  appears  in  a  peek- 
a-boo  waist 


10NDAY.      ....     he^nothingtobragon, 

*  it  s  true,  «*  f*.  *«  a  bfg  chestnut  burr 
TUESDAY  I       Gels  *c  ^      *'  Around  J 


FRIDAY  I       (1509)  Henry  VIII  began  to  get  mar- 
ried. 


AUGUST 

A  man  admires  a  woman 
for  what  he  thinks  she  is ;  a 
woman  admires  a  man  for 
what  she  thinks  he  has. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR 
SEPTEMBER 

EXCUSE  us,  but  we  will  not  suggest 
any  method  for  removing  a  coat  of 
tan.      We  are  assured  on  the  best 
authority  that  Alice  blue,  radium  gray,  and 
fluorescent  green  will  be  the  popular  shades 
this  summer.     However,  if  yours  is  a  tan 
coat,  unbutton  it  and  pull  your  arms  out  first; 
it  will  then  come  off  easily  enough. 


Is  THE  SUN  INHABITED? 


An  astronomer  from  Indiana  claims  to 
have  discovered  that  the  Sun  is  inhabited. 

c*> 

The  Public  will  probably  hoot  at  this 
just  as  it  hooted  at  Columbus  when  he  said 
the  Earth  was  round. 


The  Public  also  hooted  at  wireless  teleg- 
raphy in  its  early  stages. 


The  Public  is  now  hooting  at  the  idea  of 
airships  ever  becoming  common  carriers. 

<* 
The  Sun  may  be  inhabited,  who  knows? 

<*> 

This  astronomer  from  Indiana  may  not  be 
as  buggy  as  he  really  appears  at  first  blush. 

«ft 

The  Sun  is  hot,  'tis  true,  but  Hell  is  also 
hot. 

^ 

And  Hell  is  inhabited. 


Financial 
Note: 

When  in 
doubt,  do 
the  first  one 
you  come 
across. 

Marine 
Note: 

High  rollers 
don't  always 
come  in 
from  the  sea. 


— 


IT  HEADS  THE  LIST 


In  a  book  showing  all 

Of  the  gowns  great  and  small 
Wives  have  worn  since  this  old  world  begun, 

That  first  dress  of  Eve's, 

Which  she  fashioned  of  leaves, 
Should  be,  properly,  labeled  "Fig.  1." 


(1848)  Patent  issued  for  converting  fine 
coal  into  solid  lumps. 

(1906)  Patent  sought  for  converting  fine 
poetry  into  filthy  lucre. 


SEPTEMBER 


It's  a  long  lane  that  hides 
no  lovers. 


SIMPLE  HOUSEHOLD  RECIPES 
FOR  VEGETARIANS 


HAY  A-LA-MODE 

Take  a  pound  of  best  timothy  and  soak 
it  over  night  in  fresh  brine.  Peel  carefully 
and  place  it  in  a  vegetable  ivory  saucepan. 
Add  the  yolk  of  an  egg-plant  and  stir  dream- 
ily over  an  electric-fan  till  it  disappears.  Serve 
it  right. 

65 

NUT  CUTLET 

Procure  two  dozen  new  nuts  from  any 
hardware  shop.  Grind  them  into  a  paste  of 
about  the  consistency  of  the  average  politi- 
cian. Over  this  pour  a  little  Standard  Oil 
from  which  the  dividends  have  been  removed, 
and  stir  briskly  with  a  subpoena  till  the  oil 
begins  to  run;  pour  off,  strain,  and  beat  the 
paste  with  an  axe  until  it  looks  and  tastes  like 
a  veal  cutlet. 

Co 

IMITATION  POTTED  HARE 

Take  a  false  hare  and  pot  it.  This  will 
be  potted  imitation  hare,  to  be  used  for 
decorative  purposes  only. 

to 

STEWED  RUBBER  PLANT 

Cut  the  plant  into  rubber  bands,  add  a 
pinch  of  rubber  cement  and  beat  the  whole 
mixture  to  beat  the  band  until  it  will  stretch 
without  breaking.  This  rule  is  elastic. 


Ticker 

Note: 

Bull  move- 
ments are 
carefully 
watched  in 
Mexico  and 
Spain. 

Fashion 
Note: 

Many  a 
hose  is  worn 
to  be  seen. 


SUNDAY  I       (|  10,000   B.C.)  f  Aphrodite  bom  from 
the  "foam  of  the  sea." 

(1    A.D.)   "Katzenjammer"    born   from 
the  foam  of  too  many  "schooners." 


I  WEDNESDAY 


THURSDAY 


General  opening  of  Public  Schools. 
General  opening  of  Oysters. 

(1777)   Brandywine  proves  a  bad  mix- 
ture for  the  colonial  troops. 


(Sept.   15,   1693)  Public  lotteries  estab- 
lished in  England.    Marriage  encouraged. 


SEPTEMBER 


That  love  is  blind  accounts 
for  so  many  miscues. 


HEALTH  HINTS 


r  I  'O  cure  seasickness:    Turn   the 
entire   system    inside   out   and 
hang  it  over  the    rail    of   the 
ship  where  the  salt  spray  can  drench 
it.     Under  this  treatment  the  patient 
is  pretty  sure  to  feel  somewhat  re- 
lieved within  a  few  days    after  the 
time  of  going  ashore. 
<*> 

Persons  troubled  with  poor  circula- 
tion should  ascertain  how  to  increase 
the  same  by  consulting  the  editor  of 
their  favorite  Sunday  newspaper. 

63 

Weak  respiration  may  be  improved 
by  a  diet  of  onions.  They  are 
highly  recommended  for  strengthening 

the  breath. 

<*> 

For  insomnia  try  snoring,  which  is 
always  a  symptom  of  SOUND  sleep. 
OB 

To  prevent  hay  fever:  Go  not  in 
the  way  of  the  kittenish  grass  widow. 

<h 

Care  should  be  taken  to  prevent 
the  occupants  of  the  penitentiary  from 
getting  the  measles.  It  would  make 
trouble  should  they  all  break  out  at 
once. 


Financial 

Note: 

For  "dust" 
in  the  house, 
ask  hubby. 

Art  Note: 

An  artists' 
model  is  not 
necessarily  a 
model  of 
good 
behavior. 


MONDAY  I        (862  B.C.)  Jonah  took  the  first  trip  in  a 
submarine. 


|  TUESDAY  I        (753  B.C.)  Romulus  and  Remus  open  a 
milk  route. 


(1709)  Pianoforte  invented  by  Bartol- 
ommeo  Cristofori.  His  assassination  soon 
follows. 


SATURDAY 

SEPTEMBER 

It  is  better  to  laugh  at  a  joke 
you  don't  understand  than  to 
weep  over  the  efforts  of  your 
friend  to  explain  it. 


LITTLE  STUDIES  IN  NATURAL 
HISTORY 

How  to  Trim  Rich  Relations. 

THIS  is  a  very  dangerous  and 
delicate  operation  as  the  sub- 
jects can  only  be  approached 
when  they  are  asleep. 

Provide  yourself  with  a  black-jack, 
a  bottle  of  chloroform  and  a  sponge. 
About  three  in  the  morning  enter  the 
room  where  the  Richest  Relation  is 
sleeping.  Going  noiselessly  to  the  bed, 
hold  the  sponge  saturated  with  chlo- 
roform above  the  Richest  Relation's 
nose.  As  his  sleep  becomes  more 
profound,  lower  the  sponge,  and  finally, 
with  a  quick  motion,  jam  it  in  his 
mouth.  Then  strike  his  head  with  the 
black-jack,  using  all  your  strength. 
Rich  Relations  are  suspicious  and  you 
cannot  be  too  careful  in  business  mat- 
ters. This  done,  cut  out  the  gold, 
silver,  or  bills,  from  his  pockets,  and 
any  jewels  or  trinkets  that  you  may 
find. 

Note:  In  most  cases  it  will  not  be 
necessary  to  kill  the  subject  before  you 
can  do  the  trimming. 


Health 


Hint: 

While 
sleeping  it 
is  best  to  lie 
on  the  right 
side;  also 
while 
awake. 


MONDAY 


TUESDAY 


WEDNESDAY 


(1629)  First  theater  in  America  estab- 
lished in  Boston.  Patti  opened  theater 
with  first  farewell  performance. 


"The  bathing  dresses  are  very  pretty,  but 
I'm  sure  I  can't  imagine  where  they  buy 
such  long  stockings." 

—  Aunt  Mary's  letter  from  the  seashore. 


(1593)  Anthony  Comstock  would  have 
indicted  Shakespeare  for  writing  Venus  and 
Adonis. 


SEPTEMBER 

Those  who  live  in  glass 
houses  should  conduct  them- 
selves accordingly. 


RARE  RECIPES 


TO  MAKE  A  LIVING:  To  one  old 
woman  with 

money  add  "soft-soap"  to  her  taste. 
Sweeten  with  gush.  Mix  with  a  wedding 
ceremony  and  shake  quickly  when  you  have 
her  money. 


TO  MAKE  ANGEL-FOOD:  Take    a 

"peach" 

with  red  lips.    Add  a  shadynook.    Sweeten 
with  kisses.     Serve  in  the  moonlight. 


TO   PRESERVE   MONEY:   Take  a 

•    roll    of 

"yellow-backs"  from  whoever  has  one.  Mix 
with  all  the  money  you  can  borrow.  Put 
in  a  strong-box  and  let  it  stand  till  the  police 
have  forgotten  you.  Repeat  the  process 
and  cover  with  a  prominent  part  in  church 


Entomolog- 
ical Note: 

In  Washing- 
ton the 
Katy-dids 
now  say 
Teddy  did, 
Teddy 
didn't. 

Home  Hint: 

Servant  girls 
should  be 
picked  early 
this  month. 
If  picked 
green  they 
often  last  the 
whole  win- 
ter.    It  is 
inadvisable 
to  pick  them 
too  fresh. 


SUNDAY  |         0 296)  Society  of  "Merchant  Adventu- 
rers" established  by  John,  of  Biabaut. 

(1901)  Steal  Trust  organized  by  Mor- 
gan, of  New  York. 


TUESDAY  |         "One  may  write  for  the  Ladies'  Home 
Journal  without  having  to  read  it."— 

Kudyard  Ripling. 

I  WEDNESDAY] 


(THURSDAY!        (15,001    B.C.)  Venus  explains  platonic 
friendship  to  Adonis. 

FRIDAY 


(575  B.C.)  Horatius  beat  Lars  Porsena 
at  a  game  of  bridge. 

OCTOBER 


There's  many  a  cup  'twixt 
the  office  and  the  ferry  slip. 


You  NEVER  CAN  TELL 

Sons  of  great  men  oft  remind  us 
That  no  matter  what  our  fame, 

Offspring  that  we  leave  behind  us 
May  be  lobsters,  just  the  same. 


Economical 
Hint: 

A  good 
imitation  of 
soapsuds 
may  be 
made  by 
shaking  a 
bottle  of 
champagne 
and  then 
opening  the 
bottle. 


pve^ 

CloUP5Avr    > 


fel 


MONDAY  I      ( 1 78 1 )  Battle  of  Eutaw. 

(1 906)  W.C.T.U.  tries  to  throw  Smoot 
out  of  the  Senate. 

I  TUESDAY 


WEDNESDAY 


(673)  Theodre,  of  England,  calls  first 
Council  of  Bishops. 

(1906)  Theodore,  of  Washington,  calls 
Council  of  Muck-rakers. 


FRIDAY  |  FIRST  CANOE— Doesn't  it  make 
you  tired  to  be  taken  out  by  one  of  those 
fresh  young  men  who  doesn't  know  how 
to  paddle? 

SECOND     CANOE  — Yes,    it   often 
quite  upsets  me. 

OCTOBER 

There  is  some  good  in 
every  heart,  some  rubber 
in  every  neck. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR  OCTOBER 

IF   you    have    carelessly   left    your 
ermine  muff  and  neck-piece  where 
the  moths  have  attacked  it  during 
the  summer,  an  easy  and  simple  way 
to  remedy  the  damage  will  be  —  but 
wait !     Maybe  you  haven't  any  ermine 
muff  and  neck-piece.     Far  be  it  from 
us  to  touch  a  tender  spot. 


She  —  (very  decollete).  How  far 
do  you  think  a  girl  ought  to  go 
toward  revealing  the  secrets  of  her 
heart? 

He  —  (sizing  her  up).  Well,  I 
should  say  you'd  gone  about  the 
limit. 


Footwear 
Advice : 

Two  empty 
bananas 
make  a  very 
good  pair  of 
slippers. 

Health 
Hint: 

There  is  no 
sure  cure 
for  laziness, 
but  a  second 
wife  may 
relieve  it. 


SUNDAY  |  There  was  a  young  man  from  St  Louis 

Who'd  eat  nothing  else  but  chop  souis, 
A  habit  he  learned 
When  his  medals  he  earned 

In  the  fight  at  Manila  with  Douis! 


(1196) 
pretzels. 


Diet  at  Wurzburg — beer  and 


THURSDAY |       "Half  a  suit  of  pajamas  is  better  than  no 
nightie."  —  Hindoo  Proverb. 


OCTOBER 


The  easiest  way  to  put  a 
baby  to  sleep  is  the  rockiest 
way. 


To  THE  GODDESS  ON  THE 
DOLLAR 

Fair  maid,  how  I  have  longed  for  thee, 

That  classic  face  of  thine 
I  feared  would  never  look  on  me, 

Much  less  be  wholly  mine  ! 
And  now  that  thou  art  mine  indeed  — 

In  fact  my  last  resource  — 
There  comes,  alas,  through  direful  need, 

The  time  for  our  divorce  ! 


Health 
Hint: 

A  good 

way  to  air 
your  room 
is  to  turn  it 
wrong  side 
out  and 
hang  it  out 
the  window. 


A  BUSINESS  POINTER 

"When  I  can  read  my  title  clear 

To  mansions  in  the  skies," 
I  will  not  care  for  riches  here, 
And  cease  to  advertise. 


(1753)  Popularity  of  "the"  Pompadour 
at  height. 

( 1 906)  Marcel  wave  in  the  ascendant. 


t-r.ir.Av  i        (1558)    Sailers'    company    founded    in 
FRIDAY  I  London. 

(1875)    Hetty   Green    elected    a    33d 
degree  member. 

I  SATURDAY f 


OCTOBER 

The  eye  is  the  window  of 
the  soul. 

The  mouth  is  the  subway 
of  the  face. 


RECIPE  FOR  MAKING 
PUMPKIN  PIE 


THE    KIND    THAT    MOTHER   DIDN'T 
USED   TO    MAKE 

(Copyrighted) 

FIRST  get  your  pumpkin.  Then  kill  it 
and  skin  it.  Cut  pumpkin  into  small 
hunks  with  an  axe.  Boil  the  hunks. 
Boil  them  some  more.  Continue  to  boil 
hunks  until  they  become  a  mucky  gob. 
Unless  you  produce  a  mucky  gob,  the  pie 
will  be  lumpy.  Add  fresh  picked  eggs  to 
common  cow's  milk.  Beat  the  eggs.  They 
may  be  hard  to  beat,  but  beat  them.  Use 
a  carpet  beater  if  necessary.  Now  pinch 
the  salt  and  add  the  pinch.  Add  a  dash  of 
cinnamon,  add  a  few  nutmegs  (whole); 
these  will  give  the  pie  that  rich,  nutty  flavor 
so  much  desired.  Add  three-fourths  cup  of 
molasses.  Do  not  add  mustard  —  this  is 
not  a  mustard  plaster,  it  is  a  pie.  Now  add 
this  mixture  to  the  mucky  gob.  Stir  until 
thoroughly  mixed.  Let  stand  while  you 
give  your  pie-pans  a  coat  of  crust.  Then 
pour  mixture  into  pie-pans  until  they  slop 
over.  Place  in  a  hot  oven.  When  you 
can't  stick  a  fork  into  the  pies,  they  are 
done.  Remove  pies  from  oven  and  place 
on  the  back  piazza  to  cool.  If  the  dog 
likes  them,  they're  all  right. 


Etiquette 
Hint: 

To  remove 
a  "sticking 
plaster,"  try 
yawning. 


TUESDAY] 


SUCH  A  JAIS! 

There  was  a  young  man  from  Calais 
Who  saw  a  soubrette  at  a  plais. 

Her  beauty  all  fled 

When  her  make-up  was  shed, 
And  his  idol  proved  nothing  but  clais! 


(60  B.C.)  Cleopatra  invents  peek-a-boo 
waists. 

(60    B.C.)    Antony    becomes   first   easy 
Marc. 

I  THURSDAY  |       (1906)  Peek-a-boo  waist  is  the   pneu- 
monia waist  in  September. 


FRIDAY 


OCTOBER 


The  baby's  favorite,  often 
heard  at  night  —  a  high-bawl 
in  A  flat. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR 
NOVEMBER 


DO  not  put  brandy  in  your  mince  pies. 
It  spoils  it  —  the  brandy,  we  mean. 
We  cannot  speak  too  strongly  against 
the  pernicious  habit  of  doctoring  mince  meat 
with  brandy.  It  lures  men  on.  The  first 
baleful  bite  rouses  the  appetite,  and  soon 
they  will  be  eating  mince  pie  after  mince 
pie  all  day,  and  eventually  be  laid  up  with 
indigestion.  And  even  the  aggressive  clove 
curls  up  and  faints  when  ordered  to  dis- 
guise a  mince  pie  breath. 


How  TO  GET  RID  OF  THE 
GYPSY  MOTH 


First,  climb  the  tree  where  he  resides 
and  carefully  put  him  in  your  hip  pocket; 
then  fall  heavily  to  the  ground,  landing  on 
your  back  in  such  a  manner  as  to  disfigure 
the  moth  permanently. 

If  he  survives,  circulate  stories  derogatory 
to  gypsies  generally  and  he  will  leave  of  his 
own  accord. 


EVOLUTION 

"I'm  not  a  beauty,  I'll  allow," 

Said  the  poor  mule,  lank  and  old, 

"  But  I'm  less  of  a  jackass,  anyhow, 
Than  my  father  was,  I'm  told." 


I MKDAY I       (1904)  Prohibitionists  nominated  Swallow 
for  President.     He  went  down  easily. 


(1905)  Roosevelt    discovered    that    he 
was  nominated  June  "23." 

(1906)  Roosevelt   decides    not   to    run 
for  third  term. 


NOVEMBER 

Hell  hath  no  fury  like  a 
woman  scorned  and,  accord- 
ing to  all  accounts,  it  also  has 
many  other  discomforts  of 
home. 


FAMILY  TREES 


Men  are  luckless  farmers, 

Their  Family  Trees  will  show, 

For  many  who  grafted  Peaches 
Are  ruined  by  their  Blow. 


CANNED 
GOODS 

ADVERTISEMENTS 

HEAD 
WEAR 

BRAINS  MADE  TO  ORDER; 

Do  your  brains  fit  you?  Are  they  of  an 
inferior  quality?  Do  they  make  you  a 
living  ? 

...USE... 
OLD  DR.  WISE'S  BRAINS! 

We  have  reached  the  highest  perfection 
point  in  the  manufacture  of  brains  and  can 
supply  you  with  canned  brains  at  reasona- 
ble prices.  Put  up  only  in  pints  and  quarts. 
Prices  on  application. 

BRAINS    ON    TRIAL! 

Send  us  your  name  and  we  will  ship  you 
direct  a  complete  set  of  our  brains  on  trial. 
Use  them  30  days  and  if,  at  the  end  of  that 
period,  you  find  'them  not  all  we  claim, 
return  them  to  us  at  our  expense. 

SECOND-HAND    BRAINS    TAKEN    IN 
EXCHANGE ! 

THE    "WISE,    GRAY 
MATTER   CO. 

Boston,  Mass. 


Golf  Rule: 

If  you  strike 
your  partner, 
while 

driving,  the 
stroke  counts 
against  him. 

Health 

Note: 

To  cure 
palpitation  of 
the  heart,  it 
is  best  to  ask 
her  at  once 
and  have  it 
over  with. 


SUNDAY 


GENEALOGICAL  NOTE 


Any  low-browed,  brindle  rooster 
Can  kerdoodle  if  he  choose  ter 
And  strut  about  and  cackle,  "Tra  la  la!" 
But  an  incubator  chicken 
Hatched  by  steam  's  a  mighty  slick  un* 
TUESDAY  I  K  it's  wise  enough  to  recognize  its  ma. 


WEDNESDAY 

I  THL'RSDAYl       ( |  640)  Torture  abolished  in  England. 
(1906)  Corsets  still  worn. 

FRIDAY  I       Law  now  off  on  certain  fish.     Get  the 
hook. 


NOVEMBER 


Home  is  where  you  are  not 
allowed  to  sit  on  the  sofa 
pillows. 


FORECAST  FOR  NOVEMBER 

THE  period  between  the  1st 
and  the  9th  will  be  marked 
by  cold  in  the  head  and  feet. 
To  relieve  cold  feet  bathe  them  in 
hot  water  before  retiring;  if  they're 
your  wife's,  do  the  same.  Another 
way  to  relieve  cold  feet  is  to  get  out 
of  the  game.  From  the  9th  to  the 
1 6th  there  will  be  hard  sledding  for 
the  poor  and  automobiling  for  the 
rich.  Along  the  latter  part  of  the 
month  there  will  be  a  wave  of  hot 
mince  pie,  turkey,  cranberry  sauce, 
and  other  good  things,  followed  by 
headache  in  the  northern  portion  and 
stomach-ache  in  the  southern  portion. 

<*> 

Sagittarius  (the  Archer)  is  the  sign 
in  the  Zodiac  for  November.  It  is 
"Sag's"  business  to  shoot  any  good 
weather  that  shows  itself  above  the 
skyline.  Sometimes  when  "Sag"  is 
not  looking  the  summer  Indian  sneaks 
through  the  picket  line. 


Poultry 
Hint: 

Time  spent 
in  trying  to 
reform  a 
bad  egg  is 
time  wasted. 

Health 
Hint: 

Persons 
troubled 
with  rheu- 
matics 

should  avoid 
attic  rooms, 
but  those 
who  have 
the 

"  shingles  " 
can  sleep  on 
the  roof. 


METEORO-LOGICAL 


"One  swallow  does  not  make  a  summer," 
I  MONDAY  I       Still,  'tis  clear  to  all  [stuff 

1  That  swallows  enough  of  the  right  sort  of 
Are  certain  to  make  a  fall. 


0775)  Washington's   army,  barefooted 
snow  at  Valley  Forge,  swore  that  it 
would,  later  on,  whip  the   British  "out  of 
their  boots." 


FRIDAY  I  (4004  B.C.)  Popular  songs  invented  by 
Adam,  who  introduced  "There's  only  one 
girl  in  the  world  for  me ! " 


NOVEMBER 

Circumstances  open  cases. 


How  TO  VIEW  AN  ECLIPSE 

TO  properly  view  an  eclipse  to  its  full,  a 
party   of   several  good  spirits  should 
get  together.     Whether  an  eclipse  of 
the  sun  or  the  moon,  each  should  take  a  glass 
and  smoke  it.      A  great  deal  depends  on 
the  quality  and  character  of  the  glass.     Some 
glasses  are  much  more  certain  to  reveal  an 
eclipse  than  are  others. 
<^> 

If  the  first  glass  when  properly  smoked 
does  not  show  the  eclipse,  try  another  and 
a  stronger  one.  It  is  very  probable  that  this 
glass  will  show  the  sun  or  the  moon  in  the 
throes  of  an  eclipse.  Still  another  glass  will 
show  two  suns  or  two  moons.  The  third 
glass  is  likely  to  show  several  moons  and 
several  suns,  fixed  stars  and  those  that  need 
fixing,  comets  and  milky  ways,  sky-rockets 
and  pin-wheels,  all  combining  to  eclipse  the 
finest  display  of  Fourth  of  July  fireworks 
ever  projected  by  the  mind  of  man. 

<o 

And  when  the  beholder  of  this  mighty 
spectacle  wakes  up  during  the  afternoon  of 
the  following  day  and  sees  but  one  simple 
unadorned  sun  doing  business  in  the  whole 
expanse  of  the  broad,  blue  heavens,  he  has 
a  feeling  of  pity  for  all  those  who  retired 
early  the  night  before  and  missed  the  social, 
spiritual,  and  educative  uplift  that  comes 
from  viewing  an  eclipse  under  just  the  proper 
conditions. 


Health 
Hint: 

Young 
ladies  desir- 
ing more 
color  in  their 
cheeks 
should  try 
brushing  the 
same  with  a 
two  days' 
growth  of 
bristles  on  a 
masculine 
chin. 


SUNDAY 


MONDAY 


WHO  DARES? 


Some  men  are  brave,  no  doubt,  in  war, 
But  the  iron-nerved  rip-snorter 

Is  the  fellow  who  rides  in  the  sleeping-car 
And  refuses  to  tip  the  porter. 


I  WEDNESDAY  I       0890)     Improved     excelsior     machines 
invented. 

Same  date  —  Breakfast  food  introduced. 


(1828)  Daniel  O'Connell,  elected  to 
parliament,  refuses  to  take  the  oath. 

Same  date  —  First  and  only  time  on 
record  a  politician  ever  refused  to  take 

I  SATURDAY!  anything. 


NOVEMBER 

The  man  behind  the  man 
in  front  constitutes  a  pull, 
not  a  push. 


HELPFUL  HINT  FOR 
DECEMBER 

Health 
Hint: 

Fatigued 
brain- 
workers 
desiring  to 
engage  in 
some  restful 
employment 
should  try 
hair- 
dressing. 
The  barber 
does  most 
of  his  head- 
work  with 
his  hands. 

Household 
Hint: 

Do  not  mis- 
take the  cat 
for  a  sofa 
pillow;  those 
who  sit  on 
the  cat, 
thinking  she 
is  a  cushion, 
will  rise 
again. 

NOW,  do   not   show  your  resentment 
toward  those  who  forgot  to  send  you 
presents   last  Christmas.     Send  each 
:>f  them  a  little  remembrance  —  but  be  sure 
o  select  something  that  will  force  them  to 
>pend   forty   or   fifty   dollars   to   take   care 
:>f  it  or  to  surround  it  with  the  proper  atmos- 
ahere.     This  is  much  better  than  mailing  a 
Dost  card  and  letting  it  go  at  that. 

.T,;,T  ADVERTISEMENTSBXTB';SS" 

EYES   TESTED    AT   HOME 

It  is  a  deplorable 
fact    that    human 
vision  is  falling  be- 
low   the     normal 
standard   day   by 
day.     A  great  many 
people  weaken  their 
ig  for  work,  others  in 
a  joke  where  there  is 

home   eye  tester  is 
rewith.       Why    pay 
to   an   oculist   when 
rour  eyes  yourself? 
ONS   FOR   USING 
E-TESTER 

0 

__jC 

jyes  by  lookii 
.rying  to  see 
10  joke. 
Our  patent 
presented    he 
jood   money 
fou  can  test  3 
DIRECTI 
EY] 

Hold  black  disc  and  parallel  lines  18 
inches  in  front  of  your  eyes.  Close  your 
eyes  and  look  at  diagram  intently.  If,  then, 
any  one  line  in  the  diagram  seems  to  you 
to  be  more  alike  than  any  other  line,  or  if 
any  one  line  looks  to  be  more  parallel  than 
two  lines,  you  ought  to  wear  spectacles. 


TUESDAY 


A  SACRED  THOUGHT 


"Oh,  had  I  the  wings  of  a  dove!"  sang  she 
And  I  thought  (and  I  guess  it  was  pat)  [see 

If  she  gets  them,  on  next  Sunday  morning  we'll 
The  two  of  them  pinned  on  her  hat 


(1906)  Terrible  disaster  throughout 
United  States  —  many  magazines  have  hot- 
air  explosions,  shattering  scores  of  reputa- 
tions. 


(1897)  Thousands    invest    in    Keeley 
FRIDAY  |  motor  stock. 

( 1 898)  Keeley  motor  discovered  to  be  a 
fraud  —  first  Keeley  cure  on  record. 

SATURDAY 


DECEMBER 

All    things     come    to    him 
who  goes  after  them. 


FARMING  IN  ALASKA 

IT  is  encouraging  to  note  that  farming  in 
our  far  Northwest  possessions  is  on  the 
boom.  [Note  to  printer — be  careful  not 
to  make  "bum"  out  of  "boom."]  A  bulle- 
tin issued  by  the  Agricultural  Department  of 
our  government,  just  as  we  go  to  press, 
shows  that  there  are  at  present  in  Alaska 
1 2  farms,  four  oxen,  1 3  cows,  1 76 
chickens,  1 0  pigs,  several  cases  of  pneu- 
monia and  numerous  games  of  "freeze-out." 
During  the  fiscal  year  there  was  harvested 
in  Alaska  $  1 65  worth  of  hay,  $95  worth 
of  eggs  and  poultry,  and  a  big  crop  of  ice. 
There  are  certain  advantages  of  farming  in 
Alaska.  In  harvest  time,  for  instance,  a 
man  never  sweats  at  work.  He  markets 
his  milk  frozen  and  sells  it  by  the  hunk. 
You  never  hear  of  anybody  crying  over 
spilt  milk  in  Alaska.  It's  the  same  way 
with  eggs  —  no  cold  storage  needed ;  the 
eggs  are  frozen  before  they  are  layed,  thus 
retaining  their  fine,  fresh  flavor  until  used. 
You  never  hear  of  an  egg  passing  from'  the 
sublime  to  the  ridiculous  stage  in  Alaska. 


Farmers  in  Alaska  plow  with  ice-picks 
and  shoot  the  seed  into  the  soil  with  a 
double-barreled  shotgun.  The  12  farmers 
in  Alaska  held  a  farmers'  institute  recently 
to  talk  over  prospects  for  the  current  year. 
Basing  prospects  on  $165  worth  of  hay 
raised  last  year,  they  figure  that  if  conditions 
are  favorable  they  will  raise  $  1  75  worth 
this  year. 


Culinary 
Note: 

To  pair 
potatoes, 
place  them 
two  by  two. 

Health 
Note: 

For  water 
on  the  brain 
try  an 
umbrella. 


TUESDAY 


EVE  BEGAN  IT 

The  eternal  feminine  has  not  changed 
much  since  the  days  of  Eve,  who  was  the 
first  of  her  sex  to  complain  that  she  hadn't 
a  thing  to  wear. 


(1  798)   George  Washington  invents  the 

IWW5DAYI  cocktail. 

(1906)  George  Washington  acknowl- 
edged to  be  most  popular  man  in  history  of 
the  country. 


(1905)  Beef   Trust   declared   illegal  - 
FRIDAY  |  whatever  that  is. 

(1906)  Beef    Trust    demonstrates   that 
there  is  no  use  "beefing  about  it." 

SATURDAYf 


DECEMBER 

Most    popular   book    in  the 
world  — the  pocketbook. 


THE    PUBLISHER'S    COZY 
CORNER    CHAT 


L 


ONE  OF  OUR  AWFUL  SMART 
BOYS 

ITTLE  George  Hathadash  lives  in 
Megawolloppey,  Maine,  and  is  now 
three  years  old. 

This  brave  ruddy-cheeked  boy  immedi- 
ately took  the  Megawolloppey  agency  for 
the  "Saturday  Evening  Roast,"  feeling  sure 
that  his  ruddy  cheek  would  carry  him 
through  successfully.  Next  Sunday,  when 
everybody  was  gathered  in  church,  who 
should  come  toddling  down  the  aisle  but 
George  Hathadash  distributing  his  first  bun- 
dle of  "  Roasts,"  just  as  he  had  seen  the  train 
boy  sell  candy  on  a  train  of  cars.  "  Better 
and  brighter  than  any  thermon,"  cried 
George  Hathadash  in  his  childish  treble. 
"Here's  your  'Thaturday  Evening  Roast,' 
the  brother-in-law  of  the  'Ladies'  Wall 
Paper."  Better  and  brighter  than  any 
thermon." 

Of  course  that  attracted  attention,  and 
almost  before  he  knew  it  George  had 
disposed  of  his  whole  bundle  and  established 
himself  in  business.  He  is  now  well  on 
his  way  to  win  the  beautiful  prize  of  a  silver 
carving  knife  that  the  "  Roast  "  offers  as  an 
extra  inducement  to  its  hustling  young 
salesmen. 

There  are  other  prizes  and  any  boy  with 
a  good  ruddy  cheek  is  likely  to  get  one  of 
them. 

But  all  boys  are  not  like  George  Hatha- 
dash. We  think  he  is  going  to  be  a 
President  of  the  Common  Council. 


Health 
Note: 

A  hot  brick 
is  a  good 
thing  for 
the  feet; 
a  cold  brick 
is  a  bad 
thing  for  the 
head. 


MONDAY 


(44  B.C.)  "  Twenty-three  for  you," 
shouted  Brutus  to  Caesar,  and  when  they 
counted  the  stab  wounds  they  found  Brutus 
had  enumerated  correctly. 


TUESDAY 


WEDNESDAY 


(1  776)  Washington  arrives  at  Dorchester 
Heights  and  finds  25,000  bushels  of  wheat. 
"  I  am  glad  it  isn't  break  fast  food,"  said 
George. 


(192   B.C.)    First   mention    of  Baseball. 
I  THURSDAY  |  Sparta  joins  the   Achean   league  —  it  was 
easy  to  slide  in  Greece. 


FRIDAY  I  LONGEST  NIGHT  OF  THE  YEAR 

The  colicky  baby's  father, 

As  he  croons  his  soothing  song, 

His  thanks  should  give  that  he  doesn't  live 
Where  the  nights  are  six  months  long. 


DECEMBER 

"Even  those  who  can't 
read  like  to  look  at  the  pic- 
tures."—  Willie  B.  Hearsed 
(Politically)  ? 


ADVICE  TO  PARENTS 

IT  is  now  pretty  generally  believed  that 
the  name  given  to  one  to  bear  with  him 
night  and  day,  during  all  his  years,  has  a 
most   important   influence    in   the  work   of 
shaping  his  life  and  fortune. 
<*> 

No  doubt  a  careful  investigation  of  the 
subject  would  show  that  most  of  the  bare- 
pated  men  of  the  nation  are  so  because 
while  they  were  still  helpless  little  children 
they  were  named  Archibald,  Theobald, 
Baldwin,  and  the  like,  whereas,  had  they 
been  named  Harry,  or  Harold,  or  Aaron, 
they  would  still  be  blest  with  well-thatched 


It  is  the  bounden  duty  of  parents  to  deter- 
mine the  business  or  profession  in  which 
they  intend  their  children  shall  engage.  If 
they  wish  their  son  to  become  a  fancy  poul- 
try-breeder they  should  name  him  Egbert  or 
Henry ;  if  they  wish  him  to  become  a  sur- 
geon they  should  call  him  Lancelot;  if  an 
arithmetician,  Adam;  if  a  clown,  Guy  or 
Joshua;  if  a  street  car  driver,  Oscar;  if  a 
real  estate  dealer,  Lot  or  Orlando;  if  a  man 
of  wealth,  Richard ;  if  a  debtor,  Owen ;  and 
if  they  wish  him  to  "  go  to  grass,"  Timothy. 


Why  is  the 
standard 
octopus  like 
a  water-lily? 
Oh,  fudge! 
It  isn't  like  a 
water-lily  at 
all.     It  is 
more  like 
the  skunk 
cabbage 
which  gets  a 
head  in  the 
world,  but  is 
always  in 
bad  odor. 


The  same  degree  of  thoughtful  care 
should  be  exercised  in  naming  girls,  as  well. 
If  a  girl  is  to  become  a  musician  she  should 
be  called  Octavia  or  Dora;  if  a  milliner, 
Hattie ;  if  a  writer,  Adaline ;  if  a  cook, 
Dinah  or  Amelia;  and  so  on  to  the  end  of 
the  chapter. 


(1660)  Charles  II,  chased  by  subpoena 
from  Cromwell,  wins  record  of  being  most 
difficult  man  in  the  world  to  subpoena. 

(1906)  Rockefeller  smashes  record  of 
Charles  II. 


(1620)  Pilgrims  land  at  Plymouth  in 
little  Mayflower. 

(1906)  Records  show  that  little  May- 
flower brought  over  38,000,000  carloads 
of  ancestors,  candlesticks,  furniture,  etc. 

(1906)  Chinese  missionaries  threatened. 
(Next  day)  Missionaries  leave  tracts  and 
make  new  ones  for  home. 


The  day  before  Christmas  will  seem  the 
longest  day  in  the  year  if  you  are  expecting 
any  presents. 


DECEMBER 

"Wit  is  something  bright, 
thought  of  after  the  guests 
have  departed. 


ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPOND. 

ENTS 


DIFFIDENT  — The  proper  way  to 
handle  a  lobster  is  to  have  him  arrested. 

ECONOMY  — We  know  of  no  place 
where  toothbrushes  are  laundered. 

HISTORIAN  — You  are  right.  Noah 
was  the  largest  individual  holder  of  watered 
stock  during  his  age. 


SCIENCE  — Yes,   ice 
both  sides. 


is    slippery    on 


WELL  WISHER  — We  return  the 
$5  note.  We  cannot  accept  counterfeit 
money  from  admirers. 


SPORT— You  lose, 
an  orphan. 


Adam  was  born 


RECENT  INVENTIONS 


A  charming  addition  to  the  safety  razor 
is  a  little  fountain  attachment  that  sprinkles 
the  user  with  Bay  Rum. 
<*> 

Up-to-date  bachelors  are  rapidly  adopting 
the  new  unlosable  collar  button.  This 
collar  button  is  made  of  rubber  with  a  little 
electric  light  attachment  and  is  guaranteed  to 
bounce  for  five  minutes.  Every  time  it 
strikes  the  floor,  the  impact  causes  the  light 
to  shine  brilliantly,  thus  making  it  impossible 
to  lose  sight  of  even  in  the  darkest  corner. 


A  New 


Year 
Thoughtj 

Now  is  the 
time  to  take 
your  pen  in 
hand  —  to 
meditate,  to 
practise 
faithfully 
until  you 
write  with 
ease, 

one- nine  - 
naught  - 
EIGHT. 

To 

Develop 
the  Calf: 


Permit  it  to 
remain  with 
its  mother 
for  two  or 
three  weeks. 
Then  teach 
it  to  drink 
milk  out  of 
pail. 


SUNDAY 


MONDAY 


TUESDAY 


WEDNESDAY 


( 1 278)  Ottocar  died  in  Vienna. 
(1895)  Automobile  born  in  France. 


(1373)  Leopold,  archduke  of  Austria, 
named  his  son  Rupert  for  the  benefit  of 
modern  novelists. 

( 1  340)  Cannon  first  used  in  England. 
(1906)    Roosevelt   uses   Cannon  in  the 
House  of  Representatives. 

CORRESPONDENT  ANSWERED 

Editor  Foolish  Almanack:  — 

What  ails  my  hens?  Every  morning  I 
find  two  or  three  lying  on  their  backs,  toes 
curled  up,  never  to  rise  again. 

CONSTANT  READER. 

Skowhegan,  Me. 

Answer:  —  Your  hens  are  dead.  —  Ed. 

DECEMBER 


Health  Hint: -If  you  have 
a  "  broken  bone  "  try  to  save 
the  change. 


j\.um,oer      1     in      the      "  Foolish     Series 


<Tke  Foolisk 
Dictionary 


ly  GIDEON  WURDZ 

Author  of  "Foolish  Finance" 


Over  fifty  illustrations  ty  ^Vallace  Gold- 
smitL. 

More  tkan  one  KunJred  tkousand  copies  of  "The 
Foolish  Dictionary"  Lave  teen  sold,  and 
tnrougnout  tke  country  its  seven  hundred 
•witty  definitions  are  quoted  in  every  -walk  of 
life. 

It  is  a  took  for  everybody  wno  lovei  fun  in 
•words— in  fact  it's 

A   DICTIONARY  of  HUMOR 

Uniform   with   ^Foolish.   Finance.         Cloth 

{Price  75c 

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BOSTON  and  LONDON 


Number    3      in      the     "  Foolish      Series 


Foolish 


nance 

ly  GIDEON  WURDZ 

Author  of  "The  Foolish   Dictionary" 


A  mirthful  book  on  all  branches  of  finance, 
familiarizing  the  uninitiated  with  the 
funny  side  of  losing  money,  while 
making  \Vall  Street  see  the  joke  on 
themselves. 

"The  Author  aims  his  witty  shafts  at  the  mo- 
nopolists, railroads,  hanks,  mines,  insurance 
companies,  and  on  every  page  there  is  some- 
thing to  provoke  a  smile."  — ^Boston  Herald 

Over  fifty  characteristically   funny   illus- 
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Uniform  with  "Foolish  'Dictionary".  Cloth 

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Etiquette 


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those  Looks  nationally  notable,  bere  appear- 
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O.  B.  HAYVE 

Over  100  Characteristic  Illustrations  by  MVallace 
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important  feature  of  Tke  Foolisk  Series. 


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—Bo,ton  Adv.rtiitr,  June  25,  1906. 

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